Does This Look Like Middle Earth to You?
by Karm Starkiller
Summary: A fanfiction author and her little sister jump into the Lord of the Rings during the Council of Elrond. They have the power to control everything. Will chaos rule, or will some order remain? Includes minor non-LotR characters. Now on The Two Towers!
1. The Council of Elrond

**I've been reading too many stories written by XxRandomNemesisxX and She-Who-Has-a-Very-Long-Name. Do I need any more explanation? I don't own Lord of the Rings or Turquoise, only myself, Karm Starkiller.**

**DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MIDDLE-EARTH TO YOU?**

By Karm StarkillerChapter 1 – The Council of Elrond/meet Karm and Turquoise!

"The Ring must be destroyed. It must be cast into the fiery chasm from whence it came!" declared Lord Elrond. "Who will take it?" He looked around at the group of Men, Dwarves, Hobbits, Elves, Wizards, (OK, only one wizard – and one accounted-for Hobbit) and two human girls. Wait a second, where did the girls come from?

"Where did you come from?" demanded Elrond, giving them his Eyebrows of Doom. "Who are you?"

The older one grinned wickedly. "_Elen sila lumen omentielvo. _I'm Karm Starkiller. I'm a fanfiction author, not the character I made up with the same name, and I'm here to hijack the story! I promise not to change major events too much, but I reserve the right to bring in any characters from any book or movie at any time. So does my little sister. She hasn't decided what name to use in this story, but don't ignore her. She can morph into a tiny, ferocious battle-Elf in 1.2345 seconds when she gets mad. Oh, wait a second." Karm bent down and listened intently. "She says her name is Turquoise. Don't be surprised if she changes it mid-chapter, though. Anyway, Elrond, as you were saying?"

Elrond shook himself out of a state of shock. These girls were going to be nothing but trouble, he was certain. Anyone whose name was 'Starkiller' couldn't be good news for the Elves, especially if they couldn't pronounce Quenya greetings correctly to save their lives. "Who will take the Ring to Mordor?" he repeated.

"We should take it to Minas Tirith, not Mordor!" shouted Boromir. Karm looked at him in disgust.

"You soooo do not look like Boromir. You don't even look like a man of Gondor at all. The book said they had dark hair and grey eyes. Rohan, maybe, but not Gondor. Shut up and quit scaring Frodo, or he won't go on this mission…quest…thing and save the world. Frodo, do you have something to say?"

"I will take it," Frodo said. "I will take it to Mordor, but I do not know the way."

"No biggie," said Karm. "I'm sure Ellie of the Scary Eyebrows has a map you can borrow. I'm coming with you, by the way." Turquoise tugged at Karm's sleeve. "My little sister is coming too," added Karm.

"If by life or death I can serve you, Frodo, I will," said Strider/Aragorn/Estel/Elessar/Isildur's Heir. "You have my sword."

"And my bow!" A tall blond Elf stepped forward.

"And my axe!" shouted a Dwarf.

Karm looked at the Elf. "Whoa, Leggy, what happened to your hair? Who dyed it? They did an awful job. I don't see why the fangirls go nuts over the Elf."

Legolas turned red and sat down again. Nobody knew if he was more embarrassed by the insult to his hair or being called 'Leggy'. Gimli was glad he wasn't the only Elf-picker-on-er in the Council.

A small person jumped out of the corner. "Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me!" he declared, crossing his arms and standing protectively beside Frodo.

"It is indeed hard to separate you two, even when your master is summoned to a secret council and you are not, Samwise Gamgee," said Elrond.

"Oh my word, did Elrond almost smile just now?" shrieked Karm. "Ignore me for now. I'm just the insane fanfiction authoress providing commentary. I'll be back in the story again in a minute."

"We're coming too!" Two more Hobbits ran in.

"You need people of intelligence on this sort of mission…quest…thing," said the one with a scarf.

"They're so cute!" squealed the sisters.

"Turquoise, you spoke!" gasped Karm. "It's amazing!"

"Well, that rules you out, Pip," said the other new Hobbit.

"Be quiet, Merry," urged Karm. "I want to listen to Pippin's accent some more."

"So be it," said Elrond. "Nine Walkers against the Nine Riders. You shall be—"

"You mean there's one of us to be killed by each Ringwraith?" interrupted Karm. "That's not fair."

"It makes for such excellent plot balance," insisted Elrond.

"The Wraiths are more powerful than us – I think – so there should be more of us to even out the odds," Karm stated matter-of-factly. "I move that Gandalf comes too." The Hobbits cheered. "I think that settles it— what, Turquoise? Boromir? Why? He's a jerk. You're right, he's important for the plot. Besides, the fangirls need more guys than just Leggy and Strider/Aragorn/Estel/Elessar/Isildur's Heir to drool over. Fine, the not-Boromir can come too. Huzzah, we're the Fellowship of the Ring! Whoops, that's Ellie of the Eyebrows of Doom's line. Want it back?"

"You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring," announced Elrond in an impressive voice. "May the blessings of Elves, Men, and Free Folk go with you."

"And Dwarves, and Hobbits, and Fanfiction Writers, and Wizards!" crowed Karm. "And ponies!" She turned and started petting Bill the Pony.

"Great! Where are we going?" asked a small voice. Everyone stared in shock as they realized Turquoise had spoken on her own.

"Turquoise! Don't take Pip's lines! I want to hear his accent," whined Karm. "I agree to let you come with me, and this is what you do?"

Turquoise suddenly had two knives on her back, a bow, a quiver full of arrows, a sword, and a Ka-Bar fighting and utility knife. The Fellowship all said "Oooooh!" at once when they realized they had just witnessed Turquoise morph into a tiny battle-Elf.

"Um…never mind," said Karm, and went back to hugging the pony.


	2. The Ring Goes South, and more!

**Yay! Chapter Two! Fast update, huh? Expect some Pippin-gushing and Boromir-bashing. Sorry if I spelled anything wrong. Thanks to She-Who-Has-a-Very-Long-Name, XxRandomNemisisxX, and LadyDorothy for reviewing. Want to see your name in the Author's Note? Leave a review! Turquoise and I don't own LotR or Star Wars, but we do own hot chocolate on occasion.**

**DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MIDDLE-EARTH TO YOU?**

**By Karm Starkiller**

**Chapter Two: The Ring Goes South, and More!**

"My feet hurt," whined Karm. "How long have we been walking? Why did I think it would be cool to be part of the Fellowship? Can we have third lunch?" Since Karm had started complaining ten minutes after the Fellowship left Rivendell, nobody paid attention. The large wads of cotton in their ears may have helped.

"When do the Crebain show up so we can panic and hide under rocks and bushes but get seen anyway?"

Legolas jumped up on a rock and pointed at the sky. "Crebain from Dunland!" he shouted.

Karm and Turquoise clamped their hands over their ears. "Yikers, Leggy, do you have to shout so loud? I bet those stupid crows heard you. So much for super Elf stealth."

"What did you say?" Strider/Aragorn/Estel/Elessar/Isildur's Heir shouted back.

"Did you say something, _mellon-nin_?"

"Huh?" Strider/Aragorn/Estel/Elessar/Isildur's Heir (hereafter called simply Aragorn) pulled the cotton balls out of his ears. Legolas did the same.

"Let's start this again. Legolas, what do your Elf-eyes see?"

"Crebain from Dunland! Hide!"

There was a mad scramble for cover as a swarm of crows swirled overhead and then passed on.

"The Gap of Rohan is closed," Karm announced dramatically. "Saruman is watching us."

"How do you know all this?" asked Pippin.

"Say that again, please," begged Karm.

"Why?"

"Because I think you have the best accent ever, except maybe for – no, you have the best accent ever."

"I still want to know how you know the Gap of Whatever is closed and What'sHisName is watching."

"I read the book. So did Turquoise. That's why we can do whatever we want with the plot, and bring in other characters, and all kinds of cool stuff like that."

"The Gap of Rohan is closed," Gandalf announced dramatically. "Saruman is watching us."

"I just said that," Karm commented. "Do you still have your ears plugged?"

"We must take the Pass of Caradhras," Gandalf continued, ignoring Karm.

"As author of this story, I command the Fellowship to never plug their ears without permission from me!" Karm held her hands in the air as she spoke the words of an Author's Spell of Command. Those who still had cotton balls wadded in their ears pulled them out at once.

Turquoise raised her hands as well. Her mouth moved like she was talking, but no sound came out. Karm looked very hard at her, then handed over a notebook and pencil. Turquoise scribbled away for a minute and handed it back.

"She says, 'As quasi-co-author of this story, I command something to happen!' I don't really know why she wants to move on with the story—"

Turquoise morphed into a mini battle-Elf again.

"OK, quick, something happen! Now!"

Something did happen. The Fellowship took one look at the Turquoise-Elf and ran for their lives – toward Caradhras.

Once on the mountain, Karm began to complain again. "It's cold. Why didn't Ellie of the Scary Eyebrows give us coats instead of these summer-weight capes? I know Elves aren't bothered by the cold, but us poor mortals are. Turquoise is fine because she morphed into an Elf, but I can't morph. I can't even use the Force to generate heat. The snow is getting in my boots. My nose is running. I forgot my pocket-ha—"

"Shut up!" whispered mini battle-Elf Turquoise.

"Shutting up."

The Fellowship struggled up the mountain through ever-deeper snow. Karm, amazingly enough, didn't complain any more and even helped carry the Hobbits, taking turns with the other humans. She only carried Sam once. Cast-iron frying pans are heavy, and he had several strapped to his back.

About halfway up, Karm said, "That's it!" She plunked Frodo down in the snow and raised her arms to chant another Author's Spell of Command. Frodo tried to stand but slipped on the slickery snow and slid several yards back down the path.

"Boromir!" snapped Aragorn.

Karm paused mid-chant and looked at not-Boromir, who stood holding the Ring on its chain and staring at it strangely.

"It is strange…" he muttered. "Such a little thing."

"Boromir, give the Ring to Frodo," Aragorn commanded quietly.

"Give it back, not-Boromir, or Turquoise and I will torture you as only authors can." Karm's voice rang out over the icy snow. A shade of horror passed over Boromir's face and he handed the Ring back to its Bearer.

"Of course," he said with an attempt at a laugh. "I care not." Ruffling Frodo's hair, Boromir turned and trudged on into the snow.

"For crying out loud, not-Boromir, he's 50 years old. Don't treat the little guy like a kid."

Boromir stared at Karm, trying to understand what she had just said. Karm sighed.

"You don't understand 21-Century English, do you? Fine." She held her hands high and said in a sugar-rush type voice, "As author of this story, I command you to understand my version of the English language! Now, I repeat: for crying out loud, not-Boromir, Frodo's 50 years old. Don't treat the little guy like a kid."

"Ahhhhh!" the Fellowship said, all together. Now they knew what Karm was saying!

"Now, back to business," continued Karm. "We obviously need a better way to get around in all this snow. Turquoise, I was thinking snowspeeders. Your vote?"

Turquoise whispered something to Karm, who nodded and smiled. Raising her hands once more, she used her sugar-rush/Author's Spell of Command voice and said, "As author of this story, I bring forth from _The Empire Strikes Back_ enough Tauntauns to carry the Fellowship over Caradhras!" Six Tauntauns, ready to ride, appeared out of nowhere. Turquoise hopped on the nearest bipedal snow lizard (Isn't that impossible – a snow lizard? Oh well, George Lucas invented them, so they exist.) Pippin jumped up behind her.

"Pippin, won't you ride with me?" pleaded Karm.

"I'd rather not, thank you. I'm afraid of fanfiction authors who stare longingly, waiting for me to talk so they can hear my accent," called Pippin.

Karm put on her saddest look. "If I don't talk about it for the rest of the chapter, will you ride with me?"

Pip shook his head. Karm resigned herself to the fact that she had scared off one of the coolest Hobbits in Middle-earth and let Frodo ride double with her.

The Fellowship continued up the path in this order: Gandalf, Legolas and Gimli riding double, Boromir and Merry ditto, Turquoise and Pippin, Karm and Frodo, Aragorn and Sam, with Bill the pony's lead rope held by Sam as they rode. Legolas had wanted to dispense with bridle and saddle for the Tauntauns, but Karm called him Leggy and threatened to subject him to fanfiction-torture. He quickly subsided.

They got along pretty well until an avalanche fell on their heads. They didn't know what caused it – Saruman's spells, bad weather, Sauron, or the Tauntaun's smelly smell. Digging out of the snowdrift, Karm decided it wasn't worth the trouble of unburying the Tauntauns and sent them back to Hoth with an Author's Spell of Reversal. Conjuring up steaming mugs of hot chocolate and making sure only the Hobbits got marshmallows in theirs, she looked expectantly at Gandalf.

"Am I supposed to do something?" asked the wizard.

"I think at this point you're suppose to say that we must go on. Not-Boromir—"

"Would you please stop calling me that?" begged Boromir. "I can't help it if the casting department didn't do their job."

"Hmmm…you have a point there. At least you're better than the Boromir in the old animated Lord of the Rings."

"How's that? And what's animated?" asked Pippin, who was in a mood to put up with anything from the authoress who could pull hot chocolate out of thin air.

"You don't need to know what animated is. Moreover, the animated Boromir had a big Viking helmet, and needed a new sword because his had some serious chips missing from the edge, and worst of all-" Karm's voice dropped to a whisper "He had no pants! Trousers, if you're English."

The Fellowship gasped in horror.

"Anyway," continued Karm, unfazed, "Boromir says 'We can't go on, the cold will be the death of the Halflings, we must get off the mountain,' and then Strider—"

"Why would the cold be the death of us when we have Karm to give us hot chocolate?" asked Sam, ever the sensible one.

"It's the Will of the Plot," replied Karm loftily. Turquoise nodded in agreement. Legolas might have agreed, or he might have disagreed. It's impossible to say which, because he was wondering whether the hot chocolate was from a mix or home-made. At least, that's what Karm thought he might have been wondering. It matters not: the fact is he wasn't paying attention to the others at the moment.

"We could go through the Mines of Moria," suggested Gimli, which suggested he hadn't been paying attention either. "Balin – you know who he is – lives there. You would experience the famed hospitality of the Dwarves – roaring fires, malt beer, rich meat off the bone!"

"Sounds good to me," piped Pippin.

"Me, too!" muttered Merry. "Soon as I'm done with my marshmallows."

"I think we could make it over the Pass, but hey, I'm just the one writing the fanfic. Why listen to me?"

Turquoise nudged Karm.

"Well, my sister is in on it too."

"Why not take the Gap of Rohan?" said Boromir.

Gandalf shook his head. "It takes us too close to Isenguard, and it is being watched. I am in agreements with the maidens – we should press on."

"But Gimli said they had food!" pleaded Merry and Pippin.

"As if I don't," snorted Karm.

"Let the Ringbearer decide," Gandalf said.

Frodo thought for a minute, giving his patented Pathetic Big Blue Eyes look. "We go through the Mines," he said at last.


	3. A Journey in the Dark part 1

**Two updates in one day! Kneel in reverence, those who have added this story to 'Alert'! We don't own LotR, Sherlock Holmes, Longbottom Leaf, or a pink rubber ducky. Stupid disclaimer is now out of the way, on with the randomness!**

**DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MIDDLE-EARTH TO YOU?**

**By Karm Starkiller (and Turquoise)**

**Chapter Three: A Journey in the Dark part 1/Riddles in the Dark**

Karm summoned a fleet of sleds and the Fellowship (except for Bill the pony) sledded back down Caradhras. Pippin continued to stay with Turquoise because a mini battle-Elf can keep her older sister from going nuts over adorable Hobbits.

Once down the mountain, the sleds vanished into the night air. Gimli looked around. "The walls of Moria!" he announced.

"That's a creepy-looking pond," observed Karm. "Let's throw rocks in it."

"Good idea!" Merry, Pippin, and Karm scored about two rocks each before being grabbed by Aragorn and Gandalf.

"Do not disturb the water," they were told sternly, and the three sat down against the rockface to feel sorry for themselves. Gandalf looked very hard at the rock, touching it once in a while.

"Dwarf-doors are invisible when closed," explained Gimli. "If the opening password is lost, even their makers cannot find them."

"Why does that not surprise me," said Legolas.

"Because you're an Elf and don't get surprised?" suggested Karm. "Don't give me the 'stupid mortal' look, Leggy."

The moon came out from behind a cloud and shone on the rockface. A picture of two pillars, two trees, a crown, a hammer and anvil, and some stars glowed in silvery white. Runes were all over the place.

"Durin's Doors, the entrance of Moria!" said Gimli in triumph.

"It glows white?" said Karm, unimpressed. "How boring. If I had my way, it would be electric blue."

The color changed to electric blue.

"It's amazing what these fanfiction writers can do, Mr. Frodo," confided Sam.

"It certainly is, Sam," agreed Frodo. "What do the runes say, Gandalf?"

"It says," said Gandalf, "'The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter.'"

"What does it mean, 'Speak friend and enter'?" asked Merry.

"It is simple enough," said Gandalf. "If you are a friend, you say the password and the doors will open." He started shouting in Elvish, but Karm was still on Lesson Three of the language course she found online and only recognized the word '_edro_', meaning 'open'.

Nothing happened.

Gandalf tried again and banged his staff on the doors.

Nothing happened.

"Nothing's happening," remarked Pippin. "What are you going to do?"

Karm bit her lip and did not squeal over his accent.

"Knock your head against them, Peregrin Took, and if that does not shatter them, I am allowed some peace from foolish questions! I will try to find the opening words."

"NOOOOOOO!" screamed Karm, and started babbling. "Don't you touch Pip, or I'll make life extremely unpleasant for you! I'll take your beard conditioner and give it to Leggy. I'll put Hannah Montana stickers on your staff. I'll take your hat and plant cacti in it! I'll-" her eyes glinted dangerously as she thought of it "-I'll invite other fanfiction authors into this story."

The Fellowship stared at Karm in horror. Gandalf gulped and went back to shouting at the rocks, glancing fearfully over his shoulder at Karm and Turquoise.

He was there a long time. The Hobbits and Aragorn got out their pipe-weed (known to Earthlings as tobacco) and started smoking. Karm and Turquoise started coughing. Turquoise whispered to Karm between coughs.

"Turquoise, you are a genius. I can't believe I didn't think of this before." Karm switched to her Author's Spell voice. "From _The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes_ I summon Sherlock Holmes!"

Nothing happened.

"What did I do wrong?" wailed Karm. "It worked on everything else, and I don't want to have to try Professor Challenger!"

At the mention of the Professor, Turquoise morphed and stared at Karm. Karm cringed. Suddenly, she laughed.

"I deserve to be kicked from here to Charing Cross! Of course I can't summon Holmes, he isn't a fictional character! Most people think he is, but some of us know better." Karm winked at Turquoise. "That is, his fans do. All I have to do is summon a fictional version of Holmes! Not Laurie King's Holmes, Turquoise would kill me." She switched voices and called out, "As author of this story, I summon from "The Adventure of the Remarkable Client" Sherlock Holmes!"

A tall, thin man in Victorian clothing appeared. "Miss, ah, Starkiller. I believe we have met before," he said.

"Indeed we have, Mr. Holmes. I remember the occasion well. It was a fanfiction, was it not?" Karm suddenly switched from modern to quasi-Victorian English.

"Two fanfiction stories, Miss Starkiller. May I ask why I have been brought into a third?"

"You see, Mr. Holmes, my sister Turquoise and I entered _The Lord of the Rings _to run things the way we desired. Unfortunately, the wizard Gandalf attempted to find a secret password to open Durin's Doors and failed. In fact, he is still failing."

Gandalf continued spouting off Elvish words and phrases.

"He once knew all the spells in the tongues of Elves, Men, and Orcs, but he can't get the door open. Can you help us discover the opening word or words?"

Holmes whipped out a pipe and started smoking furiously. "This strange writing I see over the door – can it be translated?"

"Yes," said Karm between coughs. "Gandalf said it read 'The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter.'"

"It is clearly a riddle," muttered Holmes, pacing and smoking. "'Speak, friend, and enter.'" After about 1.2345 minutes later he cried, "I have it! What is the Elvish word for 'friend'?"

"_Mellon_," answered Gandalf gruffly.

The doors swung open with a grating sound.

"Why, Mr. Holmes, you've done it!" exclaimed Karm. "Please accept this as a token of our gratitude." She conjured up a pouch of Longbottom Leaf and handed it to Holmes. "It's the best stuff grown in the Southfarthing of the Shire." With another Author's Spell of Reversal, Sherlock Holmes returned to London, 1895, and the Fellowship entered the Mines of Moria, Frodo and Aragorn bringing up the rear.

If the others had been watching, they might have seen two things come to the surface of the water in the pool – a hot pink rubber ducky and a black slimy tentacle. The tentacle felt around, grabbed the ducky, and went back underwater, but not for long.

"HEEELLLP!" screamed Frodo as something black and slimy wrapped around his ankle, dragging him toward to pool.

"NOOOO!" screamed Karm. "You can not have Frodo's patented Pathetic Big Blue Eyes! Frodo, I will save you with my secret weapon of blueness!"

Turquoise morphed and started shooting arrows at waving tentacles with Legolas. "Save the porcupines from the evil Popsicle sticks of doom!" she yelled before switching to her Ka-Bar United States Marine Corp Fighting and Utility Knife and hacking at the nearest squidy-arm.

"HEEELLLP!" Frodo screamed again, while being waved in the air and surrounded by about a zillion squidy-arms.

Karm charged.


	4. A Journey in the Dark part 2

**We don't really own LotR, lightsabers, or The Song That Never Ends. We might own Ka-Bars. Do you really want to find out? This chapter might be a little boring compared to the first three. Don't worry, we have some ideas for the Balrog. ;) Thanks to RandomNemesis, She-Who-Has-A-Very-Long-Name, and CrazySusan for reviewing. You, too, can see your name in the author's note! Just click that little thing at the bottom of the page that says 'review chapter'!**

**DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MIDDLE-EARTH TO YOU?**

**By Karm Starkiller (and Turquoise)**

**Chapter Four: A Journey in the Dark part 2/Concerning Karm and Turquoise**

**Previously, in DTLLMETY:**

"HEEELLLP!" screamed Frodo as something black and slimy wrapped around his ankle, dragging him toward to pool.

"NOOOO!" screamed Karm. "You can not have Frodo's patented Pathetic Big Blue Eyes! Frodo, I will save you with my secret weapon of blueness!"

Turquoise morphed and started shooting arrows at waving tentacles with Legolas. "Save the porcupines from the evil Popsicle sticks of doom!" she yelled before switching to her Ka-Bar United States Marine Corp Fighting and Utility Knife and hacking at the nearest squidy-arm.

"HEEELLLP!" Frodo screamed again, while being waved in the air and surrounded by about a zillion squidy-arms.

Karm charged.

**Currently, in DTLLMETY:**

She yanked a metallic cylinder off her belt and pressed a button. A bright blue shaft of light appeared from one end of the cylinder with a musical hum. Continuing to yell incoherently, Karm splashed into the pool and severed several squidy-arms with her lightsaber before finding the one that was about to drop Frodo down the Watcher's throat. She cut that arm as well. Frodo dropped into Aragorn's arms and the Fellowship ran inside the Gates of Moria.

"That went well," Boromir said sarcastically. "The maiden rescued the Ringbearer while the warriors waved their swords in the air and shouted."

"What's that?" asked a wide-eyed Pippin, pointing to Karm's blue lightsaber.

"It's called a lightsaber. It's like a sword, but instead of metal, the blade is made of a beam of—"

"Popcorn!" burst out Turquoise. Everyone stared in amazement at the fact she had spoken twice in five minutes.

"Light," corrected Karm. "It can cut through pretty much anything except another lightsaber blade. I call it my secret weapon of blueness because it's a secret I have it and it glows blue all the time, not just when Orcs are around."

Boromir began trying to figure out how he could arm the armies of Gondor with lightsabers, Aragorn nodded wisely even though he didn't know what on Middle-earth she was talking about, the Hobbits all said "Oooooh! Shiny!", Legolas stared blankly, Gimli wondered if he could get a lightsaber axe, and Gandalf decided to get one installed in his staff.

"Instead of staring at my not-so-secret weapon of blueness, how about moving along out of the reach of the very put out Watcher-squidy-thingy?"

It didn't take much discussion for the Fellowship to agree with Karm. The Watcher's few remaining tentacles snaked through the open Doors, grabbed them, and slammed them shut. Everything went dark.

"Lightsabers have several other uses," Karm announced to nobody in particular. "They make the coolest flashlights ever, you can roast marshmallows with them, and you can even start a campfire with them! I'd demonstrate, but we have no wood, no marshmallows, and no time to summon any. We're trying to keep the chapters on the short side."

As the Nine Walkers – plus the Two Authors – trudged through Moria by the light of Gandalf's staff and Karm's not-so-secret-anymore weapon of blueness, the girls explained a bit about themselves.

"You see," said Karm, "Turquoise and I were reading fanfiction and decided to write a story like RandomNemesis and She-Who-Has-A-Very-Long-Name's, but with J. R. R. Tolkien's plot. Everything that's happened since is a direct result. Any questions?"

"Are you two really sisters?" asked Sam.

"Yes, we are. And we're real people, but we're not using our real names. Duh."

"How old are you?" asked Merry.

"Turquoise is six years younger than me. I'm about the same age as Pip, but whether that's actual years or equivalent age is for you to decide. I'm certainly not telling."

"What do you look like?" wondered Frodo.

"Since that question was obviously put in for the readers, it'll be best if I answer," decided Karm. "If I was about 24 inches shorter, didn't wear glasses, and had hairy feet, I'd look like a Hobbit. If Turquoise was about 24 inches taller and had pointy ears, she'd look kinda like an Elf. We both wear skirts most of the time, have long brown hair and brown eyes. Anything else you wanna ask? We've got a long way to walk through these mines."

"What brings you to wrath?"

"Gandalf, could you say that in a way I understand? Stop speaking in riddles!"

"What causes you to become angry?"

"People hinting we have crushes on someone, being told we can't do something because we're girls, not being allowed to take big knives in public, and being called 'maidens'," Karm said pointedly. "I think Turquoise is mad at you and Boromir for calling us that, by the way."

"Yup," agreed Turquoise.

"She can talk!" yelled Merry and Pippin in shock.

"Of course she can talk. Didn't you hear her screaming 'Save the porcupines from the evil Popsicle sticks of doom!' while making squidy-sushi?"

"Yes," admitted Pip, "but I thought I might have been hearing things. What's sushi? Is it food?"

"It's raw fish some people eat. We think it's gross." Karm and Turquoise shuddered.

Varda knows how long this boring conversation might have continued if Gandalf hadn't stopped in his tracks, causing a domino-effect pileup behind him. "I have no memory of this place," he said glumly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" whispered Sam to Karm as everyone untangled themselves.

"We're lost," she whispered back.

The Fellowship sat around for a long time while Gandalf smoked and thought. Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin smoked too, but Karm suspected only two of them were thinking.

They sat there for another long time. "I'm bored," announced Karm.

"Me too," said Pippin.

"Me three," said Merry.

"Now that we know we're bored, what should we do about it?"

"Smoke," said Merry.

"Sing!" said Pippin brightly. He would have started singing a Hobbit song, but Karm stopped him.

"I'd love to hear a bunch of songs from the Shire sometime, but first I'd like to teach you a song I know. I'll start singing, and you can join in. It's very easy to learn. _This is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends. Some people started singing it, no knowing what it was, and they'll be singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends…."_


	5. The Bridge of Khazaddum

Yeah, we combine the 'we're lost' room and the room containing Balin's Tomb as well as jumping around a bit. You can go read a fic that cares about trivial matters like following the proper order of events if it bothers you. Please leave a review before you escape, though. We don't own mithril, Lucy's cordial (_Narnia)_, or a super-caffeine version thereof. We do have cotton balls and duct tape. Anyone who identifies the source of Frodo's ravings gets to contribute a couple ideas for upcoming chapters. Thanks to She-Who-Has-a-Very-Long-Name, XxRandomNemisisxX, and Animadeus for reviewing.

**DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MIDDLE-EARTH TO YOU?**

**By Karm Starkiller (and Turquoise)**

**Chapter 5: The Bridge of Khazad-dûm/The Annoyance of the Fellowship**

"_Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was_—"

"Shut up!" Boromir whirled on Merry, Pippin, Karm, and Turquoise. "You will drive us all mad if you do not stop your singing!"

"We can't stop," Pippin said matter-of-factly. "It's the song that never ends."

"We've only been singing for ten minutes," whined Karm. "You can't be sick of it already. Did you just say 'shut up'?"

"We are, and he did," said Aragorn.

"I find it rather interesting to contemplate," said Legolas. "Can it truly be the song that never ends? What if one simply decided to stop singing? What if one died? Is it still the song that never ends?"

"It is for an immortal pointy-ear," growled Gimli.

"Then Leggy'd better not start singing the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends…"

Still humming, Turquoise wandered over to an abandoned well. _How should I get back at Gandalf for calling me a maiden,_ she wondered. Seeing a pile of loose stones beside the well, she scooped up a huge handful and calmly tossed them into the deep black hole. The bumps, bonks, clatters, clashes, and smashes echoed throughout the Mines of Moria.

"Fool of a Turquoise!" snapped Gandalf.

_Doom, doom, doom,_ boomed the drums in the deep.

"Phooey!" cried Karm. "Gimli hasn't found out all the Dwarves were killed by Orcs, Gandalf hasn't found the book – Turquoise, you took Pippin's part!"

Several people started talking at the same time.

Gimli: "Balin and his Dwarves were killed by Orcs? Nooooo!"

Gandalf: "I was supposed to find a book? Behold, the book of records of Balin, Lord of Moria! 'Drums, drums in the deep…we cannot get out…drums, we cannot get out…. Oh dear, this looks very bad. To the Bridge of Khazad-dûm!"

Legolas, whispering: "Stupid Dwarves."

Boromir: "Is this the part where I kill about fifty Orcs on my own?"

Pippin: "I had a part? Oh well, _they'll be singing it forever just because…_"

Frodo: [insert Pathetic Big Blue Eyes]

Approaching hordes of Orcs: "Screech! Howl! Yell! Intruder alert!"

Gandalf again: "I said, to the bridge of Khazad-dûm!"

"Okay," agreed Karm, activating her lightsaber. "Let's make a break for it!" She ran to the door but did a rapid double take when several arrows thwacked into the wood beside her head. "Eeekers! Block the door!" She dropped her weapon of blueness and started piling rocks against the base of the door. Boromir kicked the rocks aside and stuck his head out, then yanked it back in as more arrows slammed too close for comfort.

"They have a cave troll," he said in a sarcastic 'Great! What's next?' voice. "Block the door!"

"That's what I was doing," grunted Karm as she shoved the rocks back. Boromir wedged several old axes against the door, stepped back, and drew his sword.

Karm stood with the Hobbits, who clustered together and drew their swords, looking terrified. Sting's blade flickered with bright blue flame. "Frodo, you have a weapon of blueness too!" Karm said. "Our first big Orc-fight. This is going to be so scarily awesome. Don't worry, Hobbitses. I'll watch your backs."

Turquoise stood between Legolas and Aragorn, arrow on the string. The Orcs hacked at the old wood, working away to splinter it. Soon as a big enough hole opened for Turquoise to shoot through. Her arrow smacked into something on the other side, resulting in a screech and a thud.

"Good shot, Turquoise!" called Karm. "You were faster than Leggy!"

The door smashed down and a huge grey creature charged in. Legolas loosed an arrow, which didn't do much except make the troll mad.

The next several minutes were disorganized there-it-is whack-at-it-and-dodge fighting. Boromir got slammed against the wall. That put him out of it for a while. Turquoise jumped on top of the troll's head and started dancing while singing The Song That Never Ends.

While playing ring-around-the-tombstone with Frodo, the troll picked up a spear from the floor and rammed the Halfling in the chest before chucking it in Boromir's direction. Frodo collapsed to the ground.

"Frodo! No!" shouted Karm. "Frodo!" She ducked between the troll's legs and picked up Frodo, running to the far side of the cave with him. Merry and Pippin sprang onto the monster's shoulders, plying their swords vigorously. Legolas and Turquoise shot at the same time, finally bringing the troll down.

"Pickled pudding pie!" shouted Turquoise.

"Frodo," whispered Aragorn, kneeling beside Karm.

Frodo gasped in a deep breath and opened his eyes.

"You're alive!" squealed Karm. "But I saw you, you were dead!"

"That spear-thrust would have skewered a wild boar," Aragorn said.

"There seems to be more to this Hobbit than meets the eye," added Gimli. "Are you injured?"

"I feel as though I was caught between a hammer and anvil, but otherwise unharmed," Frodo answered.

"You'll have all kinds of nasty bruising. Let me fix it up." Karm pulled a small bottle of red liquid out of her skirt pocket.

"No, it is not needed," insisted Frodo.

"Don't worry. I already know about the _mithril_ mail-shirt that's worth more than the Shire, and now everyone else does too. Besides, this doesn't go on the injury, it goes in your mouth."

"What is it?" Sam asked warily.

"The juice of the fire-flower, which grows in the valleys of the Sun. One drop will cure any injury. At least, that's what it is according to the Narnia movieverse." Karm carefully dripped out a drop for Frodo. He swallowed it willingly and started skipping in circles, singing nonsense at the top of his lungs.

"I've made a little list, the piano organist, all people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face!"

"What did you do to Mr. Frodo?" demanded Sam, furious.

"Uh-oh," said Karm, eyeing the bottle. "This is the super-duper-ultra-caffeine-and-sugar version I made, not the real stuff. I must have grabbed the wrong bottle when Turquoise and I jumped into Eyebrow-man's Secret Council. You can plug your ears if you want – Frodo's going to rant for a while."

"We'll have to get some of that," Merry whispered to Pippin. Unfortunately, nobody heard, not even the Elves. They were too busy wadding cotton balls in their ears.

"The good news," continued Karm, "is that he'll have no problem keeping up with us until it wears off and he has a record-setting caffeine crash."

"How long will that take?" asked Pippin.

"I don't know. It took about two hours for me, but I haven't tested it on Hobbits. It might be shorter; it might be longer. In the meantime, I suggest we follow Gandalf's advice twenty-nine paragraphs ago and _run to the Bridge of Khazad-dûm_!"

"Was it really twenty-nine paragraphs ago?" mused Gandalf. "My, these fanfiction authors have a way of rambling on to unneeded lengths."

"You're the one rambling now, Gandy!" Karm shouted over her shoulder while running out the door. "Frodo, wait! You don't know where the Bridge is!"

Somehow, the Fellowship made it to the Bridge despite Orcs, collapsing stone stairways, a hyper Hobbit, and a pair of ever-so-slightly muddled authoresses who bickered about the Moria sequence in the book versus in the movie.

"Look, we're finally at the Bridge of Khazad-dûm!" Karm cried out happily. "Now we can get out of these dank, Orc-infested…er, impressive, masterfully built halls," she amended when Gimli started glaring.

"What's that?" gasped Pippin.

"This, my friend, is a pint," replied Karm without bothering to see what Pippin was asking about. "I've always wanted to say that. Always since I watched the movie, anyway."

"That's no pint," said Merry. "It's a - what is it?"

"A Balrog, a demon of the ancient world," Gandalf said slowly. "This is a foe beyond any of you. Quickly, across the Bridge!"

They ran onto the narrow stone arch in single file, Gandalf last. Frodo ran back and forth from end to end, still spouting gibberish and showing no signs of stopping. He didn't even blink when a gigantic monster, seemingly made of both fire and darkness, stepped onto the Bridge as well.

"Hold it!" shouted Karm, grabbing Frodo as he zipped past and keeping a death grip on him. "Hold everything! Are those _wings_?"

Everybody, including the Balrog, stopped and stared at her.

"No wings! Not even for show! Find some other way to be scarily impressive!"

The Balrog flapped its wings and snarled at the fanfiction authoress.

"Back!" she yelled at it. "Back into the abyss from whence ye came! And seriously, lose the wings! They cause too much debate!"

Frodo took advantage of Karm's momentary distraction and slipped loose. Running up to the now wingless Balrog he said, "Hot dog, let's play games! You catch me and I catch you, no love can cut our knife in two, for I'm little Baggins, sweet little Baggins! Whoops! _This is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, _-sing with me! - _Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll be singing it forever just because mmmph—_" Frodo only stopped because Karm dashed back onto the Bridge and wrapped duct tape around his legs, around his arms, and especially over his mouth before carrying him to safety.

The Balrog watched these proceedings silently, seemingly not noticing the loss of its wings. Now it cocked it head and in grating, stony tones, started making noises that were only too familiar.

"Now even the Enemy's creatures are singing _it_," moaned Boromir.

Gandalf, who was nearly across, stopped and turned to face the Balrog. He raised his staff and sword. "You cannot pass! I am a servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Anor! The dark fire shall not avail you, flame of Udûn!"

"Wow," whispered Turquoise. "Nice delivery."

The Balrog stepped closer, still 'singing'.

"You shall not pass, and you shall not sing!"

It kept coming.

"_You shall not sing!_" Gandalf brought his staff down, cracking the stone. It crumbled beneath the Balrog's feet. Stone and demon fell together into the immense chasm. Something thin, flexible, and flaming flicked up, wrapping around the Wizard's ankle and pulling him down after his foe.

"Fly, you fools! Fly!" he shouted as he fell.

"_Gandalf!_" Frodo had somehow worked the duct tape off his mouth. "_Nooooo!_"

"I should have told it to lose the flaming whip," moaned Karm.

"We must go now!" ordered Aragorn. "Quickly!"

The surviving members of the Fellowship half-ran, half-stumbled the rest of the way out of Moria.

Karm: We know it's been a good while since the last update, but I, Karm, am the one with the story on her computer. I'm also the one who spent three weeks on a horse farm without Internet, getting practice driving a horse cart through a total immersion experience. Don't worry, this story has not been forgotten. Turquoise and Pippin would never let that happen.

**Pippin: Why'd you say I wouldn't let you forget?**

**Karm: Because you're my favourite movie Hobbit, and writing a story with you in it is the closest I can get to hanging out with you in real life.**

**Pippin: Oh. *hides behind Turquoise***


	6. Lothlorien

**Disclaimer: we don't own anything we don't own. We do own anything we do own. We're very slow to learn languages, so all Elvish is from the Council of Elrond website. We adapted/borrowed various movie phrases, so it may not be entirely accurate. Pretend it's all right and you'll do fine. If there are any glaring errors, say so in a review (hint, hint) and we'll see about correcting our butchery of a beautiful language. Translations for non-Elven readers follow in brackets. [Like this.]**

**Thanks for reviewing goes to: XxRandomNemisisxX, Lhya the Fallen Angel, Animadeus, She-Who-Has-a-Very-Long-Name, and Celebel Svit-kona.**

**DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MIDDLE-EARTH TO YOU?**

**By Karm Starkiller (and Turquoise)**

**Chapter Six: Lothlórien/Caffeine**

It was a miserable Fellowship that reached the edges of Lothlórien. Karm knew Gandalf was coming back for _The Two Towers_, but she still blamed herself for not using Authoress powers to take the Balrog's whip. Boromir, Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas were quietly grim. Merry, Pippin, and Sam were still crying on and off. Frodo, Turquoise noted, was just starting to slow down, nine hours after consuming one drop of the super-duper-ultra-caffeine-and-sugar version of Lucy's cordial from _Narnia_. They'd gone through nearly all Karm's duct tape trying to keep the hyper Hobbit still enough to be carried.

Yes, they were miserable. To top things off, Gimli was telling horror stories about the Lady of the Golden Wood, an Elvish witch of great power who ensnared hapless mortals venturing into her realm. "They'll find this is one Dwarf who won't be so easily trapped," he boasted. "I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox."

Correction: to top things off, a bunch of Elves stepped out of the shrubs, bows bent and arrows aimed. One who seemed to be the leader spoke first.

"The Dwarf breaths so loud we could have shot him in the dark."

"_Elen sila lumenn omentielvo_, _Haldir o Lórien_," said Karm, butting in on the conversation. "_Im Karm. _Whoa, did I just make sense in Elvish?" [A star shines on the hour of our meeting, Haldir of Lórien. I am Karm.]

"Define 'sense'," said Legolas. "You combined a Quenya greeting with Sindarin conversation."

"And I thought I was picky about grammar. At least I wasn't reciting some of the Black Speech. I can, you know. Never mind, _Eldar_, I know better than to do so." [Elves]

"_Mae govannen, Karm ah Legolas Thranduillion. A Aragorn in Dunedain, istannen le ammen,_" replied Haldir. [Well met, Karm and Legolas son of Thranduil. Ah, Aragorn of the Dunedain, you are known to us.] Switching to the Common Speech, he continued, "Why is the small one bound with strange grey bands?"

"It was needful to bind him in order to preserve our safety," said Aragorn. "He was somewhat…affected by a medicine he was given. It will pass with time."

"I am to blame," Karm said regretfully. "I tried to heal him of a spear-blow but used the wrong remedy."

Haldir raised an eyebrow. "You are a healer as well as an Elf-friend? Very remarkable for a mortal maiden, Karm."

"I'm an Elf-friend? Cool! I'll overlook the 'maiden' this time, but don't call Turquoise that, or she'll make you regret it. Just so you know, she's Turquoise." Karm pointed to her sister, who was in human mode. "We are the Fellowship of the Ring, escaping the Orcs of Moria. _Boë ammen veriad lin._ And don't give us the 'you bring great evil' line." [Your protection is necessary for us.]

"You may enter Lothlórien," Haldir said. "But the Dwarf must be blindfolded."

"What!" bellowed Gimli.

"A plague on the stiff necks of the Dwarves," muttered Legolas.

"Blindfold all of us," Aragorn said quickly. "It would not be just to treat one of our company so, and not the rest."

"Even the Elf and Elf-friends and, er, part-time Elf?" Leggy demanded, glancing at Turquoise.

"If the authoresses have to be blindfolded, so does the Elf. Now let us say, a plague on the stiff necks of the Elves," retorted Karm.

"All are to go unseeing into the Golden Wood? Very well," Haldir replied.

Eyes bound, they were led through the forest. After a few incidents involving rope bridges, rivers, loose duct tape, and emergency lassoes, the heart of Lothlórien was reached.

"You may remove the cloths from your eyes," Haldir told them.

"Wow," whispered Karm. "It's…it's…wow."

Sam, Merry, and Pippin gasped and stared wide-eyed at the Elvish sanctuary of Lórien. Legolas sighed happily. Boromir and Gimli looked wary and ill at ease. Frodo continued to make muffled sounds under his gag, but stopped vibrating. Aragorn gently set him on the ground.

"Frodo seems to be calm now. Should we release him?"

Karm checked Frodo's pulse. "Looks like he's about normal. It should be safe." She used her pocketknife to cut the duct tape and peeled it off, wadding it into a huge ball. The Hobbit looked up at her with unnaturally huge blue eyes.

"Where am I? I don't feel very good."

"Lothlórien, the Golden Wood of the Elves, ruled by the Lord Celeborn and Galadriel, Lady of Light. I'm sorry you don't remember the past day. I got you hyped up with an overdose of sugar and caffeine."

"Welcome, travelers," said a female Elven voice. Karm helped Frodo stand to greet Galadriel and Celeborn.

"The Enemy knows you have entered here. What hope you had in secrecy is now gone. Eleven there were that set out from Imladris, yet only ten are now here," said Celeborn. "Tell me, where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him. I can no longer see him from afar."

"Gandalf the Grey did not pass the borders of this land," Galadriel said suddenly. "He has fallen into shadow."

"He was taken by both shadow and flame," Legolas told them. "He fell battling a Balrog of Morgoth, for we went needlessly into Moria."

"Needless were none of the deeds of Gandalf the Grey in life. We do not yet know his full purpose." Galadriel looked at Boromir, who first seemed shocked, then came close to crying. "The quest stands upon the edge of a knife," the Elf-queen continued. "Stray but a little, and it will fail. Yet hope remains, while the company is true. Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now and rest, for you are weary with much toil."

"What?" moaned Frodo. "Oh, my head."

"I'll get you some aspirin in a little," Karm whispered. "It's a caffeine headache combined with Elvish mental powers. Creepy, I know. Her eyes are almost as big as yours."

Frodo didn't answer. He'd passed out.

It was hard to keep track of time in Lothlórien, but for the next few days, Legolas did nothing but wander around through the trees with a spaced-out grin. Sam was constantly in awe of the Elvishness around him. Merry and Pippin settled in pretty well, only slightly subdued. Turquoise, in Elf-mode, overheard the two whispering.

"Merry, are you sure about this?"

"Of course I'm sure, Pippin. Don't you want to?"

"Well, yes, but is it safe?"

"He was all right, wasn't he?"

"I don't know, Merry. He's been acting pretty strangely."

"Everyone's been acting strangely since we got here. It's our job to act normal, to make sure everyone else doesn't get any stranger. See?"

"This _is_ just like something we'd pull back in the Shire," Pippin said after a pause. "Let's do it."

"I knew I could count on you, Pip. Tonight, then."

"Right."

_I think I know what they're going to do,_ Turquoise thought. _Should I tell Karm? No, it'll be fun to see her get mad._

Fast-forward to evening. The sun had set, and an Elvish glow permeated the forest. Galadriel took Sam and Frodo to her Mirror. Karm tagged along.

Galadriel filled the Mirror with water and stepped back. "Will you look into the mirror of Galadriel? It shows many things: some that were, some that are, and some that will not come to pass unless those who behold turn aside from their paths to prevent it."

"Like Anakin Skywalker," Karm said helpfully. "If he hadn't tried to save Padmé, she wouldn't have died. Ani would have stayed on the Light Side, Luke and Leia would have been born normally, Palpatine would have had a much harder time creating the Empire. Excellent example of why it's best not to know the future. You try to change it, and bam! You've made a bigger mess than there would have been. What, why are you staring at me?"

"I'll look in the Mirror, though I expect there'll be naught but stars in it," said Sam. "Wait…Oh, no! I have to get home! They're digging up and burning Bagshot Row! Why, it's changing now. Mr. Frodo? Mr. Frodo!"

"I'm right here, Sam."

"I saw you under a cliff, and you were asleep, and I couldn't wake you."

"I'm fine, Sam. I'll look now." Frodo leaned over the basin of water. A few moments later, he jumped back and fell down, terrified. "He's looking for me," Frodo gasped. "I will give you the One Ring if you ask it of me," he said to Galadriel

"Those have got to be the biggest blue eyes in the history of the world," said Karm. "It's just unnatural. Now, ready, and…cue special effects!" She waved at a nearby clump of bushes. A greenish spotlight shone on Galadriel; a large fan blew noisily right at her.

"In place of a Dark Lord you would set up a queen, beautiful and terrible as the dawn, treacherous as the deep! All shall love me, and despair!"

"And…cut SFX!" The light and fan switched off.

"I pass the test. I shall diminish and go into the West, and remain Galadriel."

"Good work, Turquoise," Karm said to the bush. "Galadriel, may I look in the Mirror?"

"Look if you wish, but I do not know what it will show one from another world," the Elf answered.

Karm approached the pedestal and was about to look when two somethings zipped in from behind, made several rapid circles of the clearing, and crashed into Karm. She landed face-first in the Mirror.

"Do not touch the water!" warned Galadriel.

"Jllmmpphhho!" spluttered Karm. The whatevers continued circling. "It's not water, it's jello!"

Frodo and Sam stared in shock. "What's jello?"

"A sweet, jelly-like substance that's full of chemicals and can be either yummy or disgusting, depending on your opinion. Turquoise thinks it's horrible - I like it on occasion. Not this stuff, though. It's fake cherry, one of the few flavors I can't stand. Blech. Turquoise, on the count of three, we tackle the circling objects I'll get the one in front. One, two, three!"

With perfect timing, the sisters flung themselves through the air and landed on top of what turned out to be two vibrating Hobbits.

"I got Pippin!" shouted Turquoise.

"You always get Pippin! It's no fair he's scared of me. Anyway, what happened to them?"

"Cordial," said Turquoise.

"They couldn't have gotten the cordial. It's right here in my pocket – no, it isn't. Oh, no." Karm looked in horror at the Hobbit she had pinned to the ground. "How much did they take?"

"Dunno," Turquoise said.

"I'm out of duct tape, too, and don't have time to summon more. Lady Galadriel, we need as much _hithlain_ rope as you can get."

Galadriel was willing to help, despite the fact that Karm had messed up her Mirror, and soon Merry and Pippin were swathed in cocoons of Elvish rope. They still vibrated and wriggled but were well restrained.

"It should wear off in a day…or so," Karm said apologetically. "Come on, Turquoise. Let's get back to our tree."

Once up in the platform built in the _mallorn_ tree, Karm and Turquoise held a meeting of the Council of Authoresses.

"We need to do something to draw attention away from ourselves," stated Karm. " We're not the only characters, and it's not our fault the Hobbits stole the cordial. Any ideas for making people stare at someone else?"

"Hair dye," said Turquoise.

"Come on. That is such an old idea. Whose hair, and what color?"

"Legolas. To match his eyes."

"But they change color. Sometimes they're dark, and sometimes they're blue. Oooooh, I get it." Karm nodded and grinned wickedly. "This will be hard, but I think we can do it."

Some time later…

"Legolas, we have something for you." Karm held up a silver pitcher.

"What is it?" the Elf asked warily.

"It's a hair care product from our world. I know I've been kinda – OK, really – hard on your hair, and I want to make up for it."

"It would be rude for me to refuse an apology. I thank you for your gift, er, Karm." Legolas took the pitcher and sniffed at its contents. "How does one use this?"

"After washing your hair, you rinse it and work this stuff in really well. Let it soak in for a few minutes and rinse again. It's supposed to work wonders," Karm said helpfully.

**In case you haven't watched the movies enough to pay attention to such things, Legolas's eyes keep changing from dark brown to blue throughout **_**The Fellowship of the Ring.**_** It's something else to make fun of. No, we don't hate the Elf, and everyone will get their fair share of taunting in some way.**

**Turquoise: *points to little thing at bottom of the page that says 'review'***

**Pippin (in awesome accent): I think she wants you to review this chapter.**

**Karm: I want you to review, too! We'll read your review, and you get your name in the note at the beginning of the chapter! How cool is that! By the way, nobody's identified the short story from which I/we borrowed Frodo's caffeine-induced ravings. You have one more chance to put in your guess and contribute funny ideas for upcoming chapters! Also, check out my profile. There's a poll concerning important plot points.**


	7. Leaving the Golden Wood

**Turquoise: I don't know what to say. You do it!**

**Karm: Fine. Blah blah blah, we don't own LotR, hair dye, Hobbits, or whatever else we don't own. We do have peanut butter.**

**Frodo: Why did you just put me in the author's note? Isn't that Pip's job?**

**Karm: He's on strike, so it's your turn. Here, read your prompt cards.**

**Frodo: Legolas torture, Aragorn torture, and a surprising fact about Pippin in this chapter. And peanut butter. Lots of peanut butter. And we like reviews. Fanfiction thanks to She-Who-Has-A-Very-Long-Name, Animadeus, LadyDorothy, XxHiddenxX, and XxRandomNemesisxX for reviewing the last chapter.**

**Karm: Thank you, Frodo. Run along and look pathetically adorable. The rest of you, read the chapter and click the little 'review' button at the bottom of the page.**

**DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MIDDLE-EARTH TO YOU?**

**By Karm Starkiller and Turquoise**

Chapter Seven: Leaving the Golden Wood/The Peanut Butter Incident

Lothlórien awoke the next morning to horrified screams. Rushing to the source of the noise, Aragorn, Gimli and Haldir found Legolas in a state of shock.

"My…hair…my…hair!" Legolas wailed, somehow managing to hyperventilate at the same time. The other three tried not to double up with laughter. It's not every day one gets to see an Elf with light blue hair.

Karm and Turquoise, several trees over, snickered and decided to hang out with the Hobbits for a couple days.

Haldir was the first to recover, possibly because he realized he now had the most perfect hair in Lórien. After trying (not too hard) to help Legolas get the dye out, he gave up and suggested letting it fade on its own – even though it might take a while.

"It was those girls, Mandos take them!" ranted Legolas. "As if being called 'Leggy' wasn't bad enough, they stoop to this! _This!_ I'll be the laughingstock of Mirkwood, Lórien, and Rivendell forever! They might not forget it even in Valinor. My life is ruined." He flung himself onto his bed and continued uttering maledictions on Karm and Turquoise.

Aragorn choked his giggles back. "Legolas, there is no need to become so worked up over your hair. I think this may do you some good."

"How?" sniffled the Elf.

"You could learn not to take perfect hair so seriously," Gimli said.

"Go away, Dwarf!" shouted Legolas before hiding his head under a pillow.

Karm and Turquoise shook hands.

Skip ahead a few hours and go to a kitchen somewhere in Lothlórien. That's where we pick up with the girls and the Hobbits. Karm was trying to ask for ingredients, but online Quenya courses don't include 'eggs', 'baking powder' and 'measuring cup' in the vocabulary lists. Additionally, the head kitchen-elf only spoke Sindarin. Communication was not happening.

The head Elf realized this and fetched someone who knew the Common Speech. Karm negotiated free run of the kitchen for the morning, to be paid for with a share of the resulting goodies. Once the Elves left, she picked up a frying pan and a spatula.

"Who wants second breakfast? I can make really good scrambled eggs."

Four hands shot in the air and waved vigorously.

After cleaning up the sausage and egg mess, Turquoise pulled out a cookbook. "Cookie time!" she announced.

"I don't think the Elves have peanut butter, but that's not a problem. Turquoise, you summon some peanut butter while I cream the sugar and butter," Karm directed.

"What's peanut butter?" Sam asked.

"You will see. Oh yes, you will see," Karm said in a Gollum voice. "Sorry, we gets carried away, precious."

Turquoise summoned a huge jar of peanut butter. The jumbo super economy size at Wal-Mart had nothing on this one. _Barrel_ might be a better word. Karm eyed it.

"I think there's enough to let the Hobbits try a spoonful," she said. "Here you go. One for you, Frodo, one for Sam, one for Merry, and one for Pippin."

Pippin took one good lick and started shrieking. "It's stuck, it's stuck, it's stuck! It won't come off, it's stuck to the roof of my mouth! Heeeelp!"

Karm looked at Turquoise. "Do you know how to get peanut butter out of someone's mouth?"

"Nope."

"I am not about to stick my hand in his mouth and scrape it out."

Pippin continued wailing.

"Um, I have no idea what to do. Sam? Can you think of anything?"

"Get him something to drink," suggested Sam.

Turquoise handed Pippin a cup of milk. He gulped it down and stopped yelling "It's stuck!"

"Sam, you're brilliant. Now, back to cookies."

The delicious smell of baking peanut butter cookies wafted through the forest. Aragorn stuck his head in the door as the first tray came out of the oven.

"Whatever you're making, it smells wonderful," he said.

"They're called cookies," said Merry. "Karm, can Aragorn have some?"

"Of course, but they're really hot. Be careful."

Aragorn picked up a cookie and bit into it. "It's good."

"Really?"

"It's a bit unusual, though. Are cookies supposed to make one's throat swell shut?"

"No," Karm said slowly. "Have you ever eaten peanuts before?"

"What are peanuts?"

"_Antihistamine!_ Quick, Turquoise, quick!" Karm tackled a surprised (and wheezing) Aragorn, grabbed the medicine from Turquoise, and dosed the Ranger. He leaned against the wall, clutching his throat.

"What – did – you – do?" he gasped.

"It wasn't on purpose," apologized Karm. "I didn't know Dunedain had peanut allergies. You might want to leave until the peanut butter is cleaned up, or you could have another reaction – a worse one."

"That sounds wise," Aragorn said, turning around to leave. Unfortunately, the antihistamine had already made him drowsy and he tripped. Fortunately, the kitchen was on ground level, so he couldn't fall out of a huge tree and break his neck. Unfortunately, he fell face-first into the barrel of peanut butter. Fortunately, Karm yanked him back out and hosed off his face as well as giving him another dose of antihistamine. Unfor—

"Enough with the unfortunately/fortunately stuff and get on with the story!" begged Frodo.

Wow, Frodo is one of those special people – er, Hobbits – who can read the filler text! As the narrator was saying, Karm revived Aragorn, but there was peanut butter all over the kitchen.

"Food fight!" shouted Merry, flinging a glob at Pippin.

Pippin grabbed the nearest available ammunition, which happened to be a carrot, and threw it at Merry. It missed the Hobbit and hit the wall, breaking in half. Merry stared in horror.

"That was _my_ carrot! Do you know how long it took for me to find one that was just right?"

"Sorry," said Pippin as he dodged an onion. "I couldn't help it."

"You never can." Merry's eyes widened in horror as he watched the onion hit Turquoise in the back of the head.

"Hey!" she shouted. "That hurt!" Morphing into Elf-mode, she started a rapid-fire throwing of whatever was within reach. Sam and Frodo started laughing and joined in the fun. Karm shook her head.

"No food fights," she warned. Nobody listened. She scooped up a huge blop of peanut butter on the end of a long spoon. "If you five don't stop, you'll get peanutted!"

They didn't stop.

"I warned you," said Karm, and catapulted the blop. It arced gracefully through the air, missed the five entirely, flew through the just-opened door, and scored a perfect hit on Celeborn.

"Oops," Karm said, and dropped the spoon.

Celeborn stared at the people in the kitchen. Even when covered in brown sticky sandwich spread, he was intimidating. "What is going on?" he asked in a deadly calm voice.

"Cookies," said Pippin, holding up a plate of them as evidence. "Would you like one?"

"No, thank you. I must speak with the Lady Galadriel, if you will excuse me." Celeborn swept icily away. The Hobbits, the authoresses, and the groggy Ranger stared after him.

Turquoise summed up everyone's feelings in two words.

"We're toast."

Once again, skip a good bit of time to the next day. The Fellowship of the Ring stood on the riverbank, ready to get in the Elven-boats and leave Lothlórien. Galadriel gave them each a gift before they embarked. The narrator has decided to just list most of the gifts.

All of them got Elven-cloaks. Frodo received the Phial of Galadriel, the light of Eärendil. Merry and Pippin got beautiful, shiny Elvish knives. Sam got _hithlain_ rope and a small box containing some of the blessed earth of Lórien. Aragorn, a fancy knife; Legolas, a fancy bow; Gimli did the whole "one hair from your golden head" thing. When Karm's turn came, Galadriel handed her a sheathed sword.

"This sword is named Silmacil in the High-Elven speech. May it serve you well in the days ahead, Elf-friend."

"Thank you, Lady Galadriel." Karm drew the sword, which glinted in the dim light. "Silmacil – that means something along the lines of 'shining sword', doesn't it?"

"It does," the Elf-queen agreed, then turned to Turquoise. "What gift would a fanfiction authoress ask of the Elves?"

Turquoise shrugged and stared at the ground.

"I give you the gift of speech, one of the things the Eldar prize most highly. Use it well."

"_Le hannon_," said Turquoise. [I thank you.]

Galadriel sang a long song in Elvish while the Fellowship got into the four boats given to them and set off down the Anduin.

Karm: We finally got out of Lothlórien! I have an Elvish sword and I'm an official Elf-friend! Turquoise can talk and speaks Elvish better than I can! Hang in there while we slowly get to work on the next chapter! Review while you wait, hint hint!

Frodo: Nobody figured out where my random rants came from. They're from an Isaac Asimov story called "Runaround", in the anthology _I, Robot_. Karm, why did you have me quote a deranged robot?

Karm: Because it was funny. New contest: Whoever identifies the source for the "just-right carrot" bit gets to supply ideas for an upcoming chapter. If you haven't voted in my profile poll, go vote after you review. What do you think we should do at the breaking of the Fellowship? Let us know through the poll! It's closing soon!


	8. The Breaking of the Fellowship

**Karm: Turquoise is making me do the talking. She says it's because she'd rather use Elvish, which needs translation, and translation is such a bother. You already know we don't own LotR. Would we publish online if we could make money off this story? Probably not.**

**Merry: Karm's poll had only four votes on it. Don't you understand? You're a part of this world too! Wait, wrong prompt card. Anyway, Karm said to tell you thanks if you voted and there may be upcoming polls if she's too lazy to decide things herself.**

**Sam: LadyDorothy correctly identified the carrot reference. It's from the "Very Secret Diaries" by ****Cassandra Claire, which Karm found at the humor section of . She likes the non-slashy parts, which are admittedly few and far between. LadyDorothy now gets to share ideas for making fun of one of the greatest pieces of modern literature.**

**Frodo: Pippin's still on strike, isn't he? Oh well. Karm's poll is closed and she's finally made up her mind about the breaking of the Fellowship. This chapter is the result of her resolution.**

**DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MIDDLE-EARTH TO YOU?**

**By Karm Starkiller and Turquoise**

**Chapter 8: The Breaking of the Fellowship/The Choices of Karm and Turquoise**

"_Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream!_" sang Karm as she paddled her boat down the great river Anduin. "_Row. row, row—_"

"_Sedho!_" commanded Turquoise. [Quiet!]

"You and your Elvish," muttered Karm. "I spend weeks trying to learn it online, and you learn it instantly from Galadriel. That's just not fair. I'm supposed to be the linguist around here!"

"Deal with it," called Legolas from the next boat. "At least you don't have to deal with this." He pointed to his brown hair.

"What, your hair's natural color?" Karm shot back with a grin.

"It really is blond," sulked the Elf. "At least it was, until recently." He glared at Karm with a glare that almost matched Elrond's.

"Legolas, you have it easy," said Aragorn. "You don't have to worry about food allergies."

"I don't mind that you're allergic," Merry said cheerfully. "It means we get more cookies because you can't have them."

"Don't bring up cookies," growled Karm. "I still don't see why Celeborn made us leave because of a little accident."

"Miss Karm, can I ask you something?" asked Sam.

"You just did, but I'll let you ask another question. What do you want to know?"

"Why didn't you just call up more of that duct tape when you ran out?"

Karm sighed. "There are some things in this world over which even fanfiction authoresses have no power. Duct tape is one of them. I think it might be because duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and binds the galaxy together."

"The Force?"

The Fellowship stared wildly around, trying to figure out where the music came from. Karm ignored the Jedi theme from _Star Wars_ – after all, she had hit 'play' on the CD. "The Force is an energy field generated by all living things. It surrounds us, and penetrates us, and binds the fabric of the galaxy together. It also isn't real, but is very much like the force of gravity, which is real."

"Oh," said Sam.

Karm turned off her hidden CD player and went back to paddling. She whispered to Turquoise, "We don't have much longer before the breaking of the Fellowship, and only four people have voted in our poll. Do you think it's because only four people are reading this story?"

"Could be," Turquoise whispered back. "What do we do?"

"About the story? Keep writing anyway and hope lurkers feel guilty. About what happens? We'll deal with it when we get to that part of the chapter."

To keep the chapter fairly short and interesting to write, the narrator is fast-forwarding through the trip down the Anduin. Aragorn saw Gollum, Aragorn and Boromir had an argument about going to Minas Tirith, Legolas's hair kept switching from blue to brown and he started wearing hats. Merry and Pippin raided the _lembas_ pretty early on but didn't do it again.

The narrator hits 'play' when they reach the Argonath. Karm was so impressed that she didn't change them in any way. The Fellowship camped on the western shore of the lake above the Falls of Rauros. Over dinner, Aragorn shared his plans.

"We cross the lake at nightfall, hide the boats, and continue on foot. We approach Mordor from the north."

"Oh, yes?" said Gimli. "Just a simple matter of finding our way through Emyn Muil, an impassable labyrinth of razor-sharp rocks. And after that, it gets even better!"

Pippin stopped chewing and stared at the Dwarf.

"Stop it, Gimli," admonished Karm. "You're frightening the Halflings."

"A festering, stinking marshland as far as the eye can see," Gimli continued.

"That is our road," Aragorn said firmly. "I suggest you take some rest and recover your strength, Master Dwarf."

"Recover my strength!" spluttered Gimli.

Turquoise walked over to Aragorn. "I think we should leave now."

"No. Orcs patrol the eastern shore."

"It is not the eastern shore that worries me," she said.

"Something draws near," put in Legolas. "I can feel it."

Merry walked up with an armload of firewood. "Where's Frodo?"

Sam jumped up, worried. Aragorn quickly scanned the clearing. Boromir was missing, too.

"Frodo?" called Pippin. "Frodo?" He ran into the woods, followed by Merry.

"Merry! Pippin! Get back here!" Gimli yelled. People scattered in several directions to find the three errant Hobbits.

"Oh boy," said Karm. "So it begins. Turquoise! Have we decided what we're going to do?"

"Sort of. _Yrch!_" Turquoise morphed into battle-elf mode and set an arrow on the string as a group of Uruk-hai stormed into view. Karm whipped out her weapon of blueness with her left hand and Silmacil with her right. The Elven blade glowed brightly in the fading light.

"_Gurth a chyth vín!_ _Gurth an glamhoth!_" shouted Turquoise, releasing several shots before the Orcs closed in. [Death the foes! Death to the din-hordes (Orcs)!]

The girls did pretty well, wiping out the small detachment of Uruks in under ten minutes.

"Now what?" panted Karm, wiping the dark Orc-blood off of Silmacil and sheathing it.

Turquoise switched back to human mode. "Wait for Sam and Frodo."

"I wanted to see Rohan. Do I have to go? Can I please, pretty please stay here?"

"I want to see Mordor. Can I please go?"

"Okay," sniffled Karm. "You go with Frodo and Sam. I'll stay here. Be careful, and read the owner's manual for the cell phone so we can keep in touch."

This touching moment was interrupted by an invisible something shoving through the shrubbery. Turquoise tackled at where it should be and found herself sitting on top of Frodo.

"Frodo! Karm, look, it's Frodo Baggins!"

"Hello, Frodo," Karm said. "I suppose this means you're off to Mordor alone. I'd come with you if I could. Have you seen Boromir?"

"The Ring took him. It will take the others if I stay with them." Frodo held the Ring on his open palm. "Would you destroy it?"

Karm stared at the Ring. "It's talking…it's offering me things," she whispered. "Original story plots. My own characters. A chance to get paid for writing instead of self-publication online."

"I don't hear anything," said Turquoise.

"I don't want it, Frodo," Karm said. "Go on, but take Turquoise and Sam with you."

"Sam has to stay," Frodo insisted, but too late. Sam came running down the slope to the shore and started arguing with Frodo about staying or going. Turquoise and Karm packed up _lembas_, rope, and other things and put them in one of the boats. When the two Hobbits finally got things settled, Sam, Frodo, and Turquoise boarded and set off across the lake. Karm waved goodbye.

"Take care of them, Turquoise," she called.

A mighty horn-call sounded. Karm whirled around and started running toward the direction it came from, Silmacil in her hand. "So much - for not running – with pointy objects."

Turquoise and the Hobbits pulled the boat up on the far shore and hid it under a rocky ledge.

"So my plan is spoilt," said Frodo. "It's no good trying to escape you. But I'm glad. It is plain we were meant to go together. Strider and Karm will look after the others. I don't suppose we shall see them again."

"We may yet, Mr. Frodo," said Sam. "We may."

**Karm: Wow, Book II of **_**The Fellowship of the Ring**_** in eight chapters! That's got to be some kind of speed record. There's a new poll on my profile that will be open for three days or so. Should each book of the trilogy get its own story? Go vote fast or else! Wait, leave a review first! *brandishes Silmacil***


	9. The Passing of Boromir

**Karm: Sorry for forgetting the review thank-yous in the last chapter. Anyway, thanks to any and all who reviewed and/or voted. Speaking of voting, it was unanimous to make DTLLMETY one giant story. So, here's the first part of **_**The Two Towers**_**! Using the book's starting point, anyway. If you're going by movieverse it's the end of FotR. For plot reasons, Boromir will die. Sorry. :(**

**DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MIDDLE-EARTH TO YOU?**

**By Karm Starkiller and Turquoise**

**Chapter 9: The Departure of Boromir**

Karm dashed into a clearing full of dead Uruk-hai, completely out of breath. "Came – fast – as – could," she panted. "Too late?"

Aragorn knelt beside the limp form of Boromir. "I will not let the White City fall," he was saying.

Boromir gasped for breath. "My brother, my captain, my king!"

Karm rolled her eyes. "Couldn't PJ have kept the dialogue from the book? Tolkien knew what he was writing." She joined Aragorn at Boromir's side, performing a mental Author's Command – a special talent of hers that she rarely used. "Yes, Boromir? What is it?"

"They took the Halflings. I think they were not dead – Orcs bound them." Boromir lay still and shut his eyes, then jerked awake again. He grasped Aragorn's arm. "Aunt Belle, Aunt Belle, say it don't matter!"

"Say it, to make him happy," urged Karm.

"It doesn't matter," said a confused Aragorn. Boromir stared at him. "Er…it don't matter."

Boromir leaned back with a peaceful smile on his face. Karm solemnly placed a metal pail at his feet. A moment later, the man of Gondor's legs jerked convulsively and knocked the pail down the hillside. It continued to clatter until it reached the lakeshore, half a mile away.

"That's it then," Karm sobbed. "He's gone. He kicked the bucket." She blew her nose loudly into a large tissue. "And I thought I cried hard during the movie. Which is weird, because I'm not much of a crier."

Legolas and Gimli skidded to a halt in the clearing just in time to hear the last echoes as the bucket splashed into the water. Aragorn stood slowly.

Legolas took in the situation at a glance. "We have no time to bury him fitly. A cairn we might build." He bowed his head, blue hair falling over his face.

"There are no stones we could use nearer than the shore," Gimli said gruffly.

"Then we will lay him in a boat with his weapons and the weapons of his enemies and give him to the Falls," Aragorn said. "The river of Gondor at least will see that no evil creature dishonors his bones."

"Did it cross your mind that it's half a mile to the lake, and we'd have to carry this inert lump of manflesh the whole way?" sniffed Karm, pulling out another tissue. "Fine, ignore the voice of common sense or of the authoress. Just like a bunch of guys."

After bringing Boromir's body back to the boats on a makeshift stretcher, the males cleaned up the corpse and laid it in one of the Elven-boats. Karm heaped the swords of the slain Orcs at Boromir's feet and shoved the boat into the current. It drifted to the Falls of Rauros and slipped over the edge, out of sight.

Karm pulled a sheet of paper out of her pocket and started reading.

"_From the Gate of Kings the North Wind rides, and_

_past the roaring falls;_

_And clear and cold about the tower its loud horn calls._

'_What news from the North, O might wind, do you_

_bring to me today?_

_What news of Boromir the Bold? For he is long away.'_

'_Beneath Ammon Hen I heard his cry. There many foes he_

_fought._

_His cloven shield, his broken sword, they to the water_

_brought._

_His head so proud, his face so fair, his limbs they laid_

_to rest;_

_And Rauros, golden Rauros-falls bore him upon its_

_breast._

'_O Boromir! The Tower of Guard shall ever_

_northward gaze_

_To Rauros, golden Rauros-falls, until the end of days.'_"

"Did you write that?" asked Aragorn.

"No. In the book, you did, but they completely left it out of the movie. I thought someone should say at least part of the_ Lament for Boromir_. Leave it to me to make what I should have made a funny scene into a serious scene. The question now is, What do we do? I vote for tracking the Uruk-hai who captured Merry and Pippin. Turquoise went with Frodo and Sam; they'll be fine. I hope."

"What are we to do now?" asked Legolas.

"Didn't I just ask that?" Karm remarked to the air. "Oh well, nobody ever listens to me."

"I will not abandon Merry and Pippin to torment and death. Leave all that can be spared behind," ordered Aragorn. "We travel light. Let us make such a chase as will be counted a marvel among the Three Kindreds – Men, Elves, and Dwarves. Forth the Three Hunters!"

"Hello, _four_ hunters," said Karm "I'm coming with you."

"This will be no journey for a maiden such as yourself," Gimli said.

"What have I said about calling me 'maiden'? 'Girl' I don't mind, but I can't stand 'maiden'. That is so Third Age."

"This is the Third Age," said Legolas.

"I'm from the Seventh. Deal with it, Leggy."

Aragorn shook his head. "Legolas, Gimli, there is no use in arguing. If she wants to come, nothing will stop her."

"I don't like it, but I suppose it must be so," sighed the Elf. "Forth the Four Hunters, then."

"Hooah!" shouted Karm. "Let's hunt some Orc!" She tore off into the forest.

"Karm!" Aragorn called after her.

"What?"

"Wrong way."

"Oops." Karm reappeared through the shrubbery. "Lead the way, Aragorn son of Arathorn."

"Forth the Four Hunters!" Like a deer, Aragorn sprang away. Through the trees he sped. On and on he led them, tireless and swift, now that his mind was at last made up. The woods about the lake they left behind. Karm started to have second thoughts.

"Go on," she said, stumbling to a halt. "I'll catch up." Waving the others on, she raised her hands, and using her Spell of Command voice, called forth a speeder bike from _Return of the Jedi_. "If stormtroopers could ride them, I should be able to, right? Okay. Helmet, check. I'm sitting on the bike, check. Um…how do you start this thing? If I've learned anything from other fanfiction writers it's this: when in doubt, press random buttons. This one looks important. AAAAAHHHHH!"

The speeder bike shot off at roughly 122 miles per hour. Karm didn't. The bike smashed into a tree trunk and burst into a spectacular fireball. Karm sat on the ground, wondering what part of her body caused the most pain. "I knew I was forgetting something," she groaned. "Get a good grip on the handlebars, UNcheck."

**Karm: Trust me, it's no joke having a speeder come out from under you.**

**Aragorn: I thought you always had the Hobbits do the notes.**

**Karm: Well, the Hobbits are gone. *sniffs loudly* So is Turquoise. By the way, she told me to ask you to mention in your review whether you'd prefer a Karm chapter alternating with a Turquoise chapter, or do about half-and-half in each chapter.**

**Aragorn, in a whisper: I'm rather glad Turquoise is gone. She can be rather…disturbing.**

**Legolas: Heard that. Don't run down the Elves, even if they're only part-time Elves. Hey, I'm in the note too!**

**Aragorn: I was raised by Elves. I don't have anything against Elves. It's just that part-time Elves are outside the normal—**

**Karm, after clamping a hand over Aragorn's mouth: I think we'd better go before this gets ugly. And you wonder why this is a shortish chapter. Leave a review before you run for your life, though.**


	10. The Taming of Smeagol

**Karm: Did you know that Spellcheck wants to correct Sméagol to Seagull? Did you know that I had to add 'Spellcheck' to the computer's dictionary? Did you know that this is a Turquoise/Frodo/Sam chapter? You do now! Super thanks to She-Who-Has-A-Very-Long-Name, LadyDorothy, Animadeus, XxHiddenxX, and XxRandomNemisisxX for their awesome reviews. I showed them to Aragorn and he promised to behave himself. LadyDorothy's peanuts particularly scared him. Legolas smirked the rest of the day at seeing everyone on his side about Turquoise.**

**Legolas: I did not!**

**Karm: Yes, you did. I have pictures and video evidence. Do you want me to figure out how to make a Facebook profile for you? Be quiet.**

**Legolas: Shutting up.**

**Turquoise: I didn't really know what I wanted to do in this chapter, so I let Karm write it. Blame her if you don't like it.**

**DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MIDDLE-EARTH TO YOU?**

**By Karm Starkiller and Turquoise**

**Chapter Ten: The Taming of Sméagol/Real Elvish Rope**

"Well, we're in a fix and no mistake," said Sam Gamgee. He stood despondently with hunched shoulders beside Frodo and Turquoise, and peered out with puckered eyes into the gloom.

It was the third evening since they had fled from the Company; three days of scrambling among the barren slopes and stones of Emyn Muil, sometimes retracing their steps out of an impassible gorge by following the "Frodo lives!" graffiti Turquoise scratched onto the rocks every few minutes. Right now the three found themselves standing on the brink of a cliff, wondering how to get down. In the distance, a red flicker could be seen on the horizon.

"What a fix!" said Sam. "That's the one place in all the lands we've ever heard of that we don't want to see any closer; and that's the one place we're trying to get to! And that's just where we can't get, nohow. We've come the wrong way altogether, seemingly. We can't get down; and if we did get down, we'd find all that green land a nasty bog, I'll warrant. Can you smell it?"

"Yes, I can smell it," said Frodo. "Mordor! If I must go there, I wish I could come there quickly and make an end of it. What food do we have, Sam?"

"Let me see. Oh yes, _lembas_ bread." Sam pronounced it _lambas_. "And look, Mr. Frodo, more _lembas_ bread."

"_Leeembas_!" corrected Turquoise. "It's _leeeeeembas_. _Leeeeeeeeeeeembas_!" She wandered off, still muttering.

Sam shook his head. "That Turquoise is starting to worry me. She's not right in the head, begging your pardon."

"Sometimes she worries me too, Sam," Frodo whispered.

"Heard that!" came over the rocks from Turquoise.

"How does she do that?"

"She has Elven hearing, Sam."

"Then maybe she can tell us if we're still being followed."

"Yup, we are. But he's well behind." This from the rocks.

"If we can get down this cliff, perhaps we can shake off whatever's coming behind."

"I hope so, Sam, but I don't see how we're to get down. I suppose we'll have to climb. If we are to climb, let's try at once, before it gets any darker."

Frodo and Sam slowly started down. The dark grew swiftly. A sudden gust of wind brought to their ears a high shrill shriek. The Hobbits had heard it before, during their flight from Hobbiton, and even in the Shire it had frozen their blood. Out here in the desolate wild its terror was far greater: it pierced them with cold blades of horror and despair. Involuntarily Frodo loosed his hold and put his hands over his head and ears. He swayed, slipped, and fell with a wavering cry.

"Mr. Frodo!" shouted Sam. "Mr. Frodo!"

"Are the Hobbitses in trouble?" Turquoise stuck her head over the edge of the cliff. "Is they stuck, precious? Well, we gets them unstuck. Nice Sam catches the rope Turquoise tosses to him." A length of grey Elven rope slithered down. Sam grabbed it. Turquoise continued to call down. "Frodo, where's the bottom?"

"I think I found it," came Frodo's faint answer. "It's not nearly far as I thought."

"We're coming down too, precious, soon as we ties the nice Elf rope to something strong up here," said Turquoise. "Wait for us at the bottom, Sam."

Once Sam was safely down, Turquoise slid to join the Hobbits. "That's that," she said.

"Ninnyhammers! Noodles! Our beautiful rope!" cried Sam. "There it is tied to a stump, and we're at the bottom. Just as nice a little stair for that slinking Gollum as we could leave."

Yes, he knows about Gollum. It's in the book.

"I suppose the book is the ultimate authority," said Frodo who, as you remember, can read the filler text. Yes, Frodo, that's right. Smart Hobbit. On with the story.

"There's a story here?"

There's supposed to be one. Now be quiet, Frodo. You're thinking of a way to get the rope down.

"Oh, yes. If you can think of any way the three of us could have used the rope and still brought it with us, then you can pass on to me ninnyhammer, or any other name your Gaffer gave you."

Sam shook his head. "I don't like leaving behind anything we brought out of the Elf-country. Made by Galadriel herself, maybe. Galadriel," Sam murmured, tugging on the rope. It slithered down and landed in a neat pile at his feet. The Hobbits gazed at Turquoise.

"To think I trusted your knot," Sam said in an injured voice. "I should have gone back up and tied a real good one."

"It was tied," Turquoise insisted. "Knots are part of authoress training. It came untied when you called it."

Frodo looked at Sam. "Real Elvish rope," he said.

By this time, it was too dark to go much farther. They curled up under an overhanging rock and tried to fall asleep.

Turquoise sat up suddenly. "Look, on the cliff."

"It's that Gollum. Snakes and adders! Like a climbing nasty spider on the wall," hissed Sam. "Do you think he can see us?"

"Not in these Elven-cloaks," said Turquoise.

"Well, I'm sick of him. He's come once too often for me." Sam crept back to the cliff. Turquoise followed closely. They heard Gollum talking and hissing to himself.

"Cautiouss, my precious! More haste lesss sspeed. We musstn't rissk our neck, no, precious – _gollum_! Where iss it, my preciouss? They sstole it from uss, the thievess, the dirty little theiveses. We hates them! Cursse them! Where iss my preciousss?"

"Hey, he talks like me," said Turquoise. "I demand royalty payments. Gollum is plagiarizing me!"

Before Sam or Frodo could respond to this (not that it needed a response), Gollum slipped, lost his grip, and landed in a heap in front of our three main characters. Sam and Turquoise exchanged glances and jumped on top of the creature, who struggled wildly but was no match for the Hobbits and the authoress.

Frodo drew Sting and held it at Gollum's throat. "Lie still, Gollum! This is Sting. You've seen it before, but you'll feel it this time if you don't do as I say. I'll cut your throat."

"Don't hurt us!" wailed Gollum. "Don't let them hurt uss, preciouss, nice little Hobbitses! We didn't mean no harm, but they jumpss on us like catss on poor little mices, preciouss."

Frodo put Sting away. "Tie one end of the rope to his ankle. Now that I see him, I do pity him."

"But it plagiarizes us," insisted Turquoise. "It copies us like a nassty photocopier, precious, copies us! Tie it up and leave it."

"But that would kill us, kill us!" wailed Gollum. Yes, he wailed a lot. "Misery misery, the Hobbitses won't kill us, nice Hobbits."

"No, we won't," said Frodo. "But we won't let you go, either. You're coming with us. You know where we're going – Mordor. You've been there, haven't you?"

"We guesses, precious, and we didn't want them to go," Gollum hissed. "No, not the nice hobbitses. Ashes, ashes, and dust, and pits, and Orcses, thousand of filthy Orcses. Musstn't go there!"

"We must go there," said Frodo. Sam tied the Elf rope to Gollum's ankle. Gollum started – you guessed it, wailing.

"It burns, it freezess! Nassty Elves twissted it, cursse them! Take it off uss!"

"Only if it promises to be very very good," said Turquoise. "It has to promise by the cheeseburger and the Martian pudding."

"We promises to be very very good. What's cheeseburgers and pudding, precious?"

"Very solemn and important things, oh yes precious. Does it swears by them?"

"We swears by the Precious to be very very good," Gollum said, and tried to yank the rope off his leg. Frodo untied the knot and gave Sam the rope back.

"Nice Hobbitses, very nice Hobbitses," chortled Gollum.

"We're not Hobbitses," said Turquoise. "We're crazy fanfiction authoress, precious. And we turns into an Elf if we needs to. Like this." She morphed by way of demonstration.

"Nassty horrid Elves, with their bright eyes," spat Gollum. "Curse them!"

"Bother nassty Elf, then." Turquoise morphed back. "Show us the way into Mordor, or we calls on the power of the fast food!"

Turquoise: Review, or we calls on the power of the fast food to punish you for lurking!

**Karm: What she said, but nicer.**

**Frodo: Anything to make her stop talking like Gollum! One of him is bad enough.**

**Turquoise: Heard that!**

**Karm: That's it, I'm activating the character quarrel override. Now we can have some peace and quiet for a bit. Next time, on DTLLMETY: a Karm/Three Hunters chapter! Stay tuned!**


	11. The Riders of Rohan

**Karm: I can't really use a pogo stick. I've never been on one and would, in all probability, fall off within 30 seconds. I may be awesome, but I'm not that awesome. I can't really use any other cool form of transportation either. Yes, the hunt for the Uruks was longer than two days, but how interesting is it to read about people running?**

**Legolas: People? Excuse me, that's not very politically correct. You should say 'persons', perhaps, or possibly 'beings'.**

**Karm: Shush. Haven't you seen LadyDorothy's author's notes recently? The fact that my characters talk back to me creates a bad influence on other characters. They start talking back too!**

**Aragorn: We're not really your characters. We belong to someone whose name I won't mention, but his last initial is Tolkien. Remember?**

**Karm: Fine, remind me I'm not a literary genius. I can't even come up with my own characters. Why do I think I can write? *sobs into handkerchief* Anyway, thanks to Animadeus, She-Who-Has-A-Very-Long-Name, LadyDorothy, XxHiddenxX. and XxRAndomNemesisxX for reviewing.**

**DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MIDDLE-EARTH TO YOU?**

**By Karm Starkiller and Turquoise**

**Chapter 11: The Riders of Rohan/They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard!**

Aragorn halted at the head of a small valley, unsure. The Orc-trail descended into it, but then vanished.

"Are we there yet?" Karm asked for the zillionth time.

"No," Legolas said. "Which way would they turn, do you think, Aragorn? Northward, the straightest path to Isengard, or to Fangorn as you guessed?"

"Much is amiss in Rohan," Aragorn answered. "They will take the quickest path. Let us search northward!"

"Can't we take a break? My legs are killing me," whined Karm. "I wrote that I could keep up with you three, but that doesn't mean it's easy."

"Keep up, Karm!" Legolas called over his shoulder.

"Breath. Keep breathing," she sighed. "That's the key. That and my pogo stick."

The Hunters ran (and bounced) on. Aragorn stopped suddenly. Karm came close to bouncing on top of him and fell off trying to stop.

"Why do you keep stopping? We'll never find the Orcs at this rate."

"We have found some of them," Gimli said. Several bodies lay on the ground.

"Looks like someone was trying to make minced Orc," Karm commented. "Ick."

"There was some quarrel about the road or the prisoners, I think," Aragorn said. "Let us go on!"

Fast-forward to the Eastemnet. If you don't know where that is, look at a map. It's the eastern border of Rohan, home of the horse-lords. Legolas ran to the cliff-like edge of a ravine and stared into the distance. Aragorn called to him.

"Legolas, what do your Elf-eyes see?"

"The Uruks turn north, as you guessed. They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard!"

There was only one thing Karm could do. She started chanting, "They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard! They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard! They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard-gard-ga-ga-ga-gard!"

The three others stared. "What did you say?" asked Gimli.

"The Hobbits, the Hobbits, the Hobbits, the Hobbits, to Isengard! To Isengard! The Hobbits, the Hobbits, the Hobbits…"

Aragorn sighed. He knew Karm well enough by now to realize she'd be doing this for a while.

"Tell me, where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him. Tell me, where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him."

"A Balrog of Morgoth." Karm seemed to be having a conversation with herself . "What did you say? A Balrog of Morgoth. What did you say? They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard! Stupid fat Hobbits!"

This shocked Legolas. Not only had she mentioned the Balrog and the first Dark Lord in the same breath, she was insulting the Hobbits, who had plainly been her favorites during the whole journey.

"Leave now! And never come back!"

"I beg your pardon!" spluttered Gimli.

"You have it," Karm said cheerfully. "It's part of the song, that's all. I didn't mean you."

"You call that a song?" Legolas' eyes were still slightly glazed.

"Eh, not really. Dare you not to get it stuck in your head anyway. But first, let's get off this cliff and onto the Plains of Rohan." Karm's pogo stick vanished in a puff of purple smoke, only to be replaced by a hang-glider. "Race you down. They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard!" She started chanting again as she took a running leap off the cliff and glided down. "Hey, I found something!"

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli scrambled down as best they could. Karm held something over her head in triumph. "Not idly do the leaves of Lórien fall. Sorry for stealing your bit - I love that line. Tell me, where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him." She handed a small Elven-brooch to Aragorn.

"One of them at least was still alive," he said, taking it. "Come! Let us go on! The thought of those merry young folk driven like cattle burns my heart."

The sun climbed to the noon and then rode slowly down the sky. Shadows rose behind and reached out long arms from the East. Still the hunters held on. Dark gathered and soon they were compelled to halt.

"I begrudge even this forced rest," Legolas said. "The Uruks travel hard by day. They will run all the harder by night."

"Were one of the captives to leave the main group, I would fail to see the signs in the dark and therefore pass them by. I can not risk that," Aragorn said firmly. "If rest we must, then let us do it during the blind night."

"Besides," said Karm, "my solar-powered jetpack won't work in the dark."

Just before dawn, Legolas reported that he could no longer see the Uruk-hai. "It is as I feared. Only an eagle could overtake them now."

"Nonetheless we will still follow as we may," said Aragorn. Stooping, he woke Gimli, then gently shook Karm. "Come, you must rise. We're burning daylight, as you put it."

"No daylight to burn," mumbled Karm. "Don't have to work today – go back to sleep." She rolled over and Aragorn couldn't get another response.

Legolas walked over. "Allow me to try." Aragorn nodded and stepped back. The Elf leaned over and said, very softly, "Turquoise has Pippin."

The response surprised even Legolas. Karm sprang up, grabbed her lightsaber, and shouted something along the lines of "Noyoudon'tYoucan'thavePippinHe'!"

"Legolas, my friend," said Aragorn, "that was impressive."

"Thank you," said Legolas. "I've found that they react more strongly when at least half-asleep." He didn't have to say who "they" were.

"Did I just say what I think I said?" asked Karm. "If I did just say what I think I just said, never mind, because I didn't really mean to say what I think I just said. Anyway, Elf, if you do that again, I'm cutting your perfect pointy ears off."

To cut things short, they ran on until about two in the afternoon, at which time Legolas reported he could see riders approaching.

"The Riders and their awesome horses!" crowed Karm. "Yes! I've been looking forward to this."

"What do you know of these horsemen, Aragorn?" Gimli asked.

"I have been among them," Aragorn answered. "They are proud and willful, but true-hearted, generous, and bold. Wise but unlearned, writing no books but singing many songs, in the manner of Men before the Dark Years. I give no heed to the rumor that they pay a tribute of horses to Mordor."

"They have the awesomest horses in Middle-earth," said Karm. "And did I mention they have awesome horses?"

"They also have long spears," Legolas said, "and bright helms with fair hair flowing beneath. Shields are slung on their backs, and bright chain mail they wear."

"And they ride aweso—"

Aragorn clamped a hand over Karm's mouth. "They may ride us down with their awesome horses and skewer us with their long, very sharp sticks," he hissed. Yes, he had picked up modern English from Karm and used it quite effectively at times.

"Thank you, narrator."

Oh great, Aragorn reads filler text too?

"Yes. How else am I supposed to know everything and save the day?"

Well, it's interrupting what little plot there is, so be quiet. By the time Aragorn got Karm to shut up, the Riders were quite close. The Four Hunters sat very still in the long grass, camouflaged by their Elven-grey cloaks. Now even Gimli could hear hoofbeats.

The Rohirrim rode past in columns of two, either ignoring or not seeing the foursome. When the last rider was clear, Aragorn stood up.

"What news from the North, Riders of Rohan?" he shouted.

"What happened to the long, very sharp sticks?" squeaked Karm. "Wow, look at the gorgeous horses! I think I've died and gone to horse heaven."

Without audible signal the Riders wheeled and, in a matter of seconds, surrounded the four. A thicket of those long, sharp sticks pointed to the inside of the circle – right at our heroes.

"Meep!" Karm stared at one spear that happened to be very close to her face. "Bad idea to shout, very bad idea! Ooh, pretty horse. Eepers, very sharp stick!"

One rider came forward, a tall man, taller than all the rest; from his helm as a crest a white horsetail flowed. He advanced until the tip of his spear was within a foot of Aragorn's chest. Aragorn did not stir. "What business do a maiden, a Man, an Elf, a Dwarf have in the Riddermark?"

"Watch it, Mr. Big-shot Horse-rider," growled Karm. "What would your sister do if you called her that? I only allow 'maiden' in a compound word such as 'shieldmaiden'."

"I am called Strider," Aragorn said quickly. "I come out of the North. I am hunting Orcs."

"You know little of Orcs, if you go hunting them in this fashion," Mr. Horse-rider said. "You would have changed from hunters to prey had you overtaken them. But there is something strange about you, Strider. That is no name for a Man that you give. And strange too is your raiment. Have you sprung out of the grass? Are you elvish folk?"

Karm eyed the Riders warily. "If they're fangirls in disguise," she muttered, "I'm toast for being female and with the Elf when they aren't. With the Elf, I mean."

"Only one of us is an Elf, Legolas of the distant woodland realm of Mirkwood. But we have passed through Lothlórien, and the gifts and favor of the Lady go with us."

Mr. Horse-rider's eyes widened. "Then there is a Lady in the Golden Wood, as old tales tell! But if you have her favor, then you are sorcerers and net-weavers as well, maybe. Perhaps the maiden is her pupil."

"Say 'maiden' again and you'll be sorry! Whoa, give me a little space here, guys. It's hard to see with all these poles in my face."

The head Rider turned to Legolas and Gimli. "Why do you not speak, silent ones?"

Gimli didn't look too happy. "Give me your name, horse-master, and I will give you mine," he growled. Karm recognized that tone of voice. It didn't bode well for whoever was being spoken to.

"It is usual for the stranger to give his name first. Yet I am Éomer, son of Éomund, Third Marshall of the Riddermark."

"Good, it's not the Fangirls United, 'give us the Elf and nobody gets hurt' club." Karm sighed in relief.

"Then, Éomer son of Éomund, Third Marshall of the Riddermark, you speak evil of that which is fair beyond reach of your thought, and only little wit can excuse you."

"I would cut off your head, Dwarf, if it stood a little higher from the ground."

"Ooh, snappy comeback. Just like a guy, trying to win an argument with a sword." Karm shook her head.

"You would die before your stroke fell!" Legolas whipped out his bow.

Lovely situation, isn't it? Thank the Valar Aragorn knew what to do. It's part of Ranger training.

"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Heir of Isildur Elendil's son of Gondor, Dúnedan, and am called Elessar, the Elfstone. Will you aid me or hinder me? Choose quickly! We hunt a band of Uruk-hai which captured two of our companions – Hobbits, Halflings as you call them."

"Halflings?" laughed Éomer. "Do we walk in legends or on the green earth in the daylight?"

"A man may do both, for is not the green earth itself a matter of legend?" Aragorn challenged.

"We overtook the Uruks in the night and killed them all. We saw no Halflings."

"They would be small – only children to your eyes."

"Did you see them?" Karm pleaded.

Éomer shook his head. "We left none alive. The carcasses we piled and burned. You can see the smoke. Hasufel! Arod!" Two riderless horses came when called.

"What about me?" asked Karm, willing to speak again since the spears were safely away. "I am not riding double behind Aragorn Smellessar, Isildur's Heir of Gondor."

"We have no mount suitable for you," Éomer said.

"I may not be good as you, but I can stay on a horse's back most of the time. Come on, don't you have anything I can ride?"

"Ælfwyn!" Éomer called. A smallish grey horse came over. "This is the gentlest steed we have here. I hope he will not be too restive."

Karm murmured in Ælfwyn's ear, then looked at Aragorn. "Um, I kinda need a leg up. I can't mount from the ground."

Once the four were on their horses, Éomer prepared to move on. "Look for your friends, but do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands. We ride North!"

The Rohirrim cantered away, leaving our four heroes in the middle of a big grassy plain.

"Thank goodness that's over," said Karm. "Becoming Authoress on a Skewer would have been kind of a boring way to die."

**Karm: Wow, long chapter! Review before you go, or I'll sic Éomer on you. I need an evil fanfiction writer working for Saruman, so if you want to be in my story PM me and tell me what name you want to use, your favourite weapon, and what you'd want as payment for services rendered if Saruman won. I get final say about who gets the part, though. Also, I am now available as a beta reader. See my beta reader profile on my FF profile for details.**


	12. The Passage of the Dead Marshes

**Karm: Once again Turquoise is making me write her chapter. If only—**

**Turquoise: Have you ever tried to type in a swamp? There's nowhere to put the computer, much less plug it in!**

**Karm: Oh, sure. Whatever. Did you know Spellcheck wants to change Barad-dûr to bird-dog and Saruman to saurian and Angmar to agar or anagram or hangar? Special thanks to She-Who-Has-A-Very-Long-Name for brainstorming this chapter with me when I got stuck. Reviewing thanks go to Animadeus, Lady Dorothy, XxRandomNemesisxX, and She-Who-Has-A-Very-Long-Name. I have the evil authoress and a minion picked out. They will appear soon.**

**DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MIDDLE-EARTH TO YOU?**

**By Karm Starkiller and Turquoise**

**Chapter 12: The Passage of the Dead Marshes**

"See? See? We leads you out of the cold hard lands, nice Hobbitses!" Gollum pointed to the flatland stretched below the four…beings…standing at the edge of the Emyn Muil.

"I'm not a Hobbitses, Gollum," Turquoise corrected. "Keep your species straight."

"Keep nassty sspeciesss! Come along, Hobbitses. Follow Sméagol, he will show you ssafe path through the marshess. Carefully, Hobbitses!"

"Not a Hobbitses," Turquoise muttered. "Musst teach nice Sméagol the difference, yess, we'll teach it."

"Mr. Frodo, she's doing it again," Sam whispered.

"I know, Sam, but there's nothing we can do. We need her to help us – even if she is, er, different."

"All the same, I don't like it."

"I have Elven hearing, you know," Turquoise remarked to a drifting cloud. "Nice Hobbits can't seem to remember that."

Sam shook his head and trudged on.

Later that afternoon, they arrived at the edge of a vast expanse of swampland. You guessed it, the Dead Marshes.

"We found it, long ago," Gollum cackled, "the way through the marshes. Orcs don't know it; Orcs don't use it. They goes around for miles and miless."

"Too bad we can't float over the marsh on a drifting odor," Turquoise said. "Then it would be easy. Here, have clothespins."

Equipped with clothespins on the nose, Frodo, Sam, and Turquoise followed Gollum into the wet, smelly, dank, dismal, dangerous, unpleasant, noxious, repulsive, unlikable, nasssty – you get the idea – swamp. Turquoise pulled out a cell phone and an owner's manual and tried to figure out where the power switch was while walking.

"How do you see where you're going?" Sam asked.

"I'm in Elf-mode, in case you can't see, and Elves can sleep on their feet, so I just pretend to be asleep and I do fine." That doesn't make much sense, but it's what she said.

"That doesn't make much sense," Sam said. He can't read the filler text or he would have known it was a redundant remark. Frodo didn't say anything because he can read the text and knew better than to make redundant remarks.

"I'm just special that way."

Yes, Frodo, you are. Now have a piece of rhubarb pie and shush. Turquoise just discovered that she was trying to read the Spanish instructions and Spanish wasn't included in the language mental software package Galadriel gave her. Now that she's found the English instructions, Turquoise managed to turn on the phone.

"Your new phone, I am. If to make a call you want, 1 press. If a text message to send you want, 2 press."

"Ach, sss! What iss it doing? Too much talking it makes!"

"Be quiet, Gollum, it's not my fault if it talks like Yoda! Karm gave it to me before I left. It shouldn't even be talking at all, technically. Hmm, I'll try calling. It should be easier." Turquoise pressed 1.

"To call somebody who on your contacts list is, 1 press. To your contacts list a person you want to add, 2 press. If your contacts list you want to view, 3 press."

Turquoise pressed 3, bracing for another list of options. There wasn't another list of options, only a few names and numbers. "Karm, Merry, and Emergency! numbers. What's under Emergency! numbers? Let's see: RandomNemesis, Barad-dûr, Orthanc, and Witchking of Angmar. Nemesis I can understand, but why would I want to call the bad guys in an emergency?"

"To distract them," suggested Frodo.

"Good point. They can't plot to take over the world if I'm driving them crazy. Anyway, how do I get back to the main contacts menu? Hey, Frodo, don't follow the lights!"

"If to the main contacts menu—"

"Shut up and just do it, stupid phone!" yelled Turquoise.

The phone obeyed. Turquoise selected Karm's number and hit what she thought was 'call', but was actually the 'off' button. "_R__hachon le_! [I curse you!] Stupid technology. Frodo, I said not to follow the lights!"

It was too late. Frodo splashed face-first into a pool of scummy water. Turquoise dropped the phone, dashed over, and yanked him out with her high-speed Elven reflexes. "You'd better be okay, because I don't have CPR training." Frodo coughed and spluttered for a minute, then said he was fine.

"Actually, I said 'I saw dead things! It was scary! It was different in the book!'"

Why can't you stay quiet? Anyway, whatever he said. Turquoise turned to fetch her phone, expecting it to have fallen into a puddle and be forever ruined. She didn't expect to see Gollum talking on it.

"_Daro i! Anno nin cellphone!_" [Stop it! Give me the cell phone!] She grabbed it away from Gollum. "Oh, you don't speak Elvish. Just give me the thing! How did you get it to work?"

"We presses this, precious, and this, and that, and we talks to nassty Elf's sister."

"Do it again. I need to talk to her."

"No we won't, precious."

"Yes, you will, or I'll speak only in Wookiee."

"What's Wookiee, precious?"

"Like this." Turquoise gave a demonstration that left even Gollum cringing, hands clamped over ears.

"We shows it how to – call, precious, we shows it!" He pressed some buttons and handed the phone to Turquoise.

"_Hello, you've reached the Middle-earth cell phone of Karm Starkiller, Shieldmaiden of Fanfiction. How can I help you?_"

"Karm, this is Turquoise. Why did you give me a cell phone when you know I can barely use a word processor?"

"_You seem to be doing okay with it_."

"Only because Gollum figured it out!"

"_Gollum figured it out and you can't? What is it with Elves being technophobic?_"

"Cut it out, Hobbit."

"_I'm the Shieldmaiden of Fanfiction right now, thank you very much. I'll be a Hobbit again tomorrow. Right now I'm trying to figure out if Aragorn Smellessar Isildur's Heir of Gondor ever takes a break – or a bath. We've been running through Rohan for a couple days and just bumped into Éomer. Now I have a cool Elvish sword named Silmacil and a cool Rohirric horse named Ælfwyn. He's dark dapple grey, my favorite colour. I quoted Aragorn's Elvish stuff from that scene with Brego in The Two Towers, and it worked! I haven't fallen off once so far._"

"That's great, but what I wanted to tell you is that Frodo's two days ahead of schedule."

"_What! You're in the Marshes already? How'd that happen? You know how important timing is!_"

"Of course I know! What I'm asking is what should I do? I came along to make sure things went the way they're supposed to on this end of things."

"_Um, camp out for two days?_"

"You've never slogged through the Dead Marshes, Karm, or you'd never suggest something like that. Frodo's already had one near-death experience."

"_What am I supposed to do about that? The three male Hunters are gloomy because they think the Riders killed Merry and—_"

"My Pippin!"

"_No, he's not yours._"

"Yes he is!"

"_Let's not go there. Anyway, just travel reeeaaly slowly so that you see the Black Gate on March 5. And don't beat the snot out of Faramir when you meet up with him._"

"Why not? Do you liiike Faramir?"

"*insert strangled gagging sounds* _Excuse me, I do _not_ have a crush on Faramir! I just don't want you to pound him into the dirt. He's needed alive for plot purposes and besides, Denethor's hard enough on him as it is. Just use your Authoress powers to make it bookverse instead of movieverse – unless you want that whole Ringwraith encounter. Keep Sam's speech, though, and record it for me._"

"How am I supposed to do that?"

"_Figure out the recorder on your phone – or get Gollum to figure it out. Whoa, Aragorn! Watch where you kick that thing! He just found the pile of burning Orcs - boy, do they stink - and is having his little outburst of grief. Gotta go. I don't want to miss this._"

Turquoise found 'end call' and put the phone away. She started to walk on after Frodo, Sam, and Gollum, but froze after only a couple steps. "They're here," she whispered. "Saruman brought them."

Turquoise: Cliffhanger! Cliffhanger! Review, or you'll never find out what happens next! And go vote for me in Karm's poll!

Karm: She means 'Go vote in Karm's poll.' There's a new poll to vote in – who's your favorite, Karm or Turquoise? It's on my profile. Vote, or the Rohirrim will wave pointy sticks in your face. Trust me, that's no fun. Éomer is a scary guy.


	13. Saruman's New Ally

**Karm: I don't own anybody or anything in this chapter except my name. Thanks to XxRandom NemesisxX, She-Who-Has-A-Very-Long-Name, Animadeus, and XxHiddenxX for reviewing. Special thanks to Ericson for being the newest reviewer! Thoughts and other languages are in italics. This may not be the best character intro chapter in the world, but it's an update! Without further ado, meet the villain.**

**DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MIDDLE-EARTH TO YOU?**

**By Karm Starkiller and Turquoise**

**Chapter 13: Saruman's New Ally**

Saruman had heard of two girls with strange powers who called themselves fanfiction authoresses. Karm Starkiller and Turquoise, their names were. His crebain brought reports telling how Karm and Turquoise used their powers to aid the so-called Fellowship of the Ring. "This must be stopped," he growled. "Otherwise I shall never rule the world! How can I thwart these girls?" He spent the rest of the week holed up with books so old and boring and incomprehensible that even Karm wouldn't have wanted to read them. At the end of the afore-mentioned week, he had discovered the only way to counter a fanfiction writer was with another fanfiction writer.

Saruman stood atop Orthanc, chanting the words of an ancient spell, opening a portal between Middle-earth and…the Other World. "_Lasto beth daer, tarna! Edro! Mittëa sina arda!_" If the spell worked, it would call an authoress into Middle-earth. _Hopefully she will quickly see that aiding me is her only chance for survival in this world,_ he thought. Yes, Saruman was crazy that way and didn't understand the full powers of fanfiction.[Listen to the great word, door! Open! Enter this world!]

A vortex of multi-colored smoke appeared, engulfing the tower. When it faded, a teenaged girl was standing beside him. She held two strange objects; we would recognize them as a lightsaber and a plunger, but Saruman had never seen either and called them 'strange objects'.

"Welcome to Isengard. I brought you here to help me achieve world domination. If you do as I ask, you will get whatever you want when we win."

"You'll never win, Saruman! I won't let you!" The girl attacked the wizard. Five minutes later he was a groaning mass of bruises.

"Join my side. We have cookies," Saruman croaked.

"Not good enough."

"And butterscotch pudding."

"How much?"

"As much as you want."

"A pool of pudding?"

"If you wish it."

"Still not enough. I hate evil guys like you." She raised the plunger over Saruman's head.

Saruman thought desperately. From what he had read, authoresses with strange weapons tended to be attracted to strange objects. What was the strangest thing he could come up with? "I'll give you cookies, butterscotch pudding, and an albino hedgehog," he offered.

"Pudding _and_ an albino hedgehog? Can I name it Fitzgerald?"

"Of course." Saruman gingerly breathed a sigh of relief – he was pretty sure the girl had cracked his ribs.

"And you have to make the cookies."

"Er – of course." _It should be easy enough to get someone else do that, and then I can just say I made them,_ he thought.

"And I get to watch you make the cookies."

He had a bad feeling about this, but what else could he do? "Of…course." _If I put it off until I rule the world that should give me enough time to find out how cookies are made…._

No such luck for Saruman.

"And I want the cookies now."

"As in right now?"

"Yes. Right now. Make me a plate of cookies or I won't help you, hedgehog or no!"

"Very well." Really, how hard was it to bake cookies? Mortals did it all the time. Surely Saruman of Many Colors, the most powerful wizard, could do it.

"Oh, and my name's Wolf."

Saruman paled. Of all the writers in the Other World, he would end up with the one his books had warned against by name! A Master in the Random Order. Acknowledged co-ruler of insanity. ADHD. Able to take over the Death Star (whatever that was) with only a licorice whip and a pie laser (whatever those were).

Worrying wreaked havoc with whatever cooking skills the wizard may have had. He was very grateful for the sprinkler system the building inspector made him install back in the Second Age. Wolf wasn't happy about having to wait for her cookies and refused to accept her first mission until she had her sugar. Three days later, during which even the Orcs wondered what was going on in the kitchen, an exhausted Saruman the Smoke-colored presented Wolf with a plate of slightly overbaked double-chocolate cookies.

"At least they're edible," Wolf shrugged. "Why are the chocolate chips bright purple? I've had some trouble with strangely-colored food before."

"They're Middle-earth chocolate chips. Did you expect them to look like your-world chips?"

"Whatever. Chocolate! Sugar!" Wolf devoured the cookies. Looking around, slightly dazed, she asked, "Who are you? Why am I here?"

"I am Saruman of Many Colors, your master. You are here to serve me."

"Oh yeah…what do I do first?"

"There are two authoresses opposing me. One is in an unknown location. You needn't worry about her just yet. The other is at the eastern border of Rohan. Her name is Karm Starkiller. Find her and bring her to me – alive."

"How do I get there? Can I ride a fell beast? I think I might need maps of Rohan, Gondor, and Coruscant while you're at it. What if Karm won't come? Can I drink some Ent-draught while I'm in Fangorn? Why is your tower black? Monochromatic went out of style – whenever it went out. Want me to get someone to redecorate? I could do it myself if you don't want to hire someone. Do you like lime green, florescent yellow, electric blue, and neon orange? I do. If Global Positioning System is abbreviated GPS, would a Middle-earth Positioning System be MEPS for short? Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? That's always bothered me."

"Here is a map of Rohan! Find your own transportation! I can't take this any more! Just go!" Saruman threw Wolf the map and fled the room.

"Wow, that guy has some serious anger management issues. He needs some therapy. Pancakes, I don't get a fell beast. _Hey, Orion_!"

A purple dragon landed in front of Orthanc. Wolf went out to meet him. "_Hey, Orion, we've got a mission. You're my fell beast!"_

"_Am not! I'm much better than any old fell beast ever was."_

"_Well, I'm pretending you're a fell beast."_ Wolf settled on Orion's back. "_To the eastern border of Rohan! Hi-yo Orion, away!"_

"_How lame is that?"_ Orion huffed but took off, flying east.


	14. The White Rider

**Karm: Once again, we have the usual mixture of book and movieverse. I pick and choose what I like best and what's easiest to make fun of from each. This chapter contains Elf-based humour, wizards, gross Dwarves—**

**Gimli: Don't insult the Dwarves, lass!**

**Karm: It wasn't an insult, only a statement of fact. And 'Lass' is awfully close to 'maiden', so watch it. You don't want to be handed over to Wolf and Nemesis, do you?**

**Gimli: *cricket cricket***

**Karm: Good, we understand each other. Anyway, there's also a good bit of interruption—**

**Legolas: Did you say 'Elf-based humour'? And what's with the British spelling?**

**Karm: I like British spellings, OK? I think they're prettier than American. I like pretty words. I don't own anything I *cough* borrowed from any other book or movie, Tolkien's or otherwise.**

**DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MIDDLE-EARTH TO YOU?**

**By Karm Starkiller and Turquoise**

**Chapter 14: The White Rider**

"Their bonds were cut…and they ran…straight into Fangorn Forest." Aragorn shook his head. "At least they were alive and able to walk."

"Now what?" Gimli asked. "We have been warned against Fangorn."

"We go in after Merry and Pippin." Aragorn stood and brushed the dirt off his knees. "Come!"

Legolas followed readily enough, and Gimli didn't hesitate long either. Karm, on the other hand, didn't like the look of the place.

"I've read the book four times and watched the extended edition _Two Towers_ all the way through three times, and I'm still scared about the stupid trees? Oh, get over it, Karm. Hey, guys, wait up! Wait for me! Guys?" She plunged into the gloom and ran smack into Legolas, who didn't seem to notice.

"This forest is old, very old, so old I almost feel young again. It is old and full of memory. I do not think it is evil, whatever tales may say," he said, gazing around with Karm called "the spacey Elf look". "There is anger and watchfulness, but no malice save in the deepest parts, where the hearts of the trees are black. I could have been happy here, had we come in days of peace."

"Pointy-eared Elvish princeling," Karm muttered. "'Look at me, I'm an Elf, I'm thousands of years old and can talk to plants. I'm so special and the rest of you poor little mortals will just have to wish you were like me.' Oh yeah, great way to get along with people. Yes, I know you heard that, Leggy."

"Why do you always make fun of me?" Legolas asked as the four walked through the stuffy forest. "Can't you find someone else to pick on?"

"Eh, you're so fun to make fun of. I think I may have explained that before. Oh, eew, gross, Gimli, that is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen anybody do."

"Orc blood," Gimli spat.

"And it's full of disgusting Orc germs!" Karm pulled a large bottle of antiseptic mouthwash out of her pack. "Read the directions on the back. Follow them. Repeat until bottle is empty. Can't have the Dwarf getting blood poisoning."

"I will not do it."

"Yes, you will."

"Will not!"

"Will too!"

"Will not!"

"Will too!"

"Enough!" Aragorn said sternly. "Gimli, don't anger her. Karm, I think that may be a bit extreme."

"I think that's some extreme contamination. And I'm the medical expert around here, thank you very much. Oh, fine. Whatever, just twice will be OK."

Narrator here. Karm asked me to move the story along a bit because she didn't want pointless bickering slowing down Gandalf's return.

"Gandalf!"

Yes, Aragorn. Now pretend you can't read the filler text so it'll be a surprise. Don't make me memory wipe you like that one time with the—

"I can't read filler text, la la la, not reading…"

Now that that's taken care of, insert scene change. The Four Hunters are standing in front of a small hill. They've lost the Hobbit tracks but found some strange marks Aragorn has never seen before. We pick up where Karm is all but jumping up and down with anticipation.

"Come on, come on, say it, say it, say it, say it—"

Legolas stared into space. "The White Wizard approaches," he said in his Magic Elf voice.

"It's about time!"

"Do not let him speak and cast a spell on us!" Gimli shouted. "Legolas, your bow!"

"Is the Elf gift-wrapped? He has a bow, where's the wrapping paper? Most importantly, who's getting him and why?"

The three males were saved the trouble of answering by the appearance of and old man wrapped in ratty grey robes. A hood and hat hid his face.

"Well met, my friends," he said. "I wish to speak to you. Will you come down, or shall I come up?" He started climbing up the hill without waiting for an answer.

"Shoot, Legolas!" urged Gimli, hefting his axe.

"There is no need," the old man said. "I only wish to speak with you." He came to the top of the hill and stopped. "Well met, I say again! A Man, and Elf, a Dwarf, and a human girl, clad in Elvish fashion. There must be a strange tale behind this."

"Might we know your name, and what you wish to say?" asked Aragorn, ever the polite one.

"You are tracking two young Hobbits, I believe. Don't stare as if you had never heard the word before. You have, and so have I. They came to this hill the day before yesterday and met someone they did not expect. And now you would like to know where they were taken. Your errand is not so urgent as you thought. Let us sit and be more at ease." The stranger sat on a large stone. White garments glimmered beneath the tattered grey.

"You have not told us your name," Aragorn reminded him.

"My name? Have you not guessed it? You have heard it before, I think."

"Saruman!" shouted Gimli. "Tell us what you have done with our friends, or I will make a dint in your hat that even a wizard will find hard to deal with!"

"It's Gandalf!" screeched Karm, who couldn't hold it back any longer. "Wizard glomp!" She tackle-hugged Gandalf – yup, that's who it was - and knocked his hat off, showing the others she was right. Suddenly she stepped back and crossed her arms. "You're late."

"Gandalf…yes, that was what they called me." Gandalf looked a bit dazed after his first glomp in over 3,000 years. It's not everyone who glomps one of the Maiar and lives to tell about it. Trying to hug Sauron, now – but that's just scary. "You may continue to call me Gandalf."

"You're quoting the wrong scene. I said, you're late."

"A wizard is never late, Karm Starkiller, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to."

"It's wonderful to see you again, Gandalf!" Karm hugged him again.

He took it better this time. "You didn't think I would miss the war that holds the fate of Middle-earth in the balance, did you?"

"Half the world plans on fighting, and the rest will be involved anyway. You know Sauron. He's got the whole country in an uproar." Yes, Karm has seen the movies too often.

"Have not!"

I'm the narrator. Don't interru—

"I'm the author! You do what I tell you to, Narrator, or I'm trashing your contract."

You never made me sign a contract.

"You're my creation, and you do what I say, contract or no."

PLEASE WAIT WHILE WE HANDLE A FEW TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

Hello, I'm the new narrator. You won't be able to tell the difference, except I obey Karm. She said it took so long to clear up the technical difficulties that the five – Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Karm – were now riding to Edoras, capital of Rohan. Karm couldn't stop raving about Shadowfax until Legolas said Ælfwine was getting jealous. Gandalf explained about his return, giving the following monologues: I-am-Saruman-as-he-should-have-been, The-coming-of-Merry-and-Pippin-to-Fangorn-is-as-the-small-stones-that-start-an-avalanche, The-Enemy-knows-the-Ring-is-abroad-and-carried-by-a-Hobbit, That-we-should-seek-to-cast-him-down-and-set-nobody-in-his-place-has-not-occurred-in-his-wildest-dreams, and Saruman-is-a-double-tratior-which-can-be-used-to-our-advantge-if-we-play-our-cards-right. That's not even mentioning the explanation of how he was back after falling with the Balrog in Khazad-dûm. The narrator assumes that if you're reading this story, you already know that stuff.

For many hours they rode on through the meads and riverlands. Often the grass was so high that it reached the knees of the riders, and their steeds seemed to be swimming in a grey-green sea. They came upon many hidden pools, and broad acres of sedge waving above wet and treacherous bogs; but Shadowfax found the way, and the other horses followed in his swath. Slowly the sun fell from the sky down into the West. Looking out over the great plain, far away the riders saw it for a moment like a red fie sinking into the grass. Low upon the edge of sight shoulders of the mountains glinted red upon either side. A smoke seemed to rise up and darken the sun's disc to the hue of blood, as if it had kindled the grass as it passed down under the rim of earth.

"There lies the Gap of Rohan," said Gandalf. "It is now almost due west of us. That way lies Isengard."

"I see a great smoke," said Legolas. "What may that be?"

"Battle and war!" said Gandalf. "Ride on!"

"I've _been _riding on," said Karm. "I don't think I'll be able to walk properly for at least a week." Her head jerked up and she stared toward the Gap. "Someone's looking for me."

Gandalf: Karm says that since I have never done an author's note before, it is my turn. Leave a review, vote in the new poll concerning funny crossover pairing, and bonus pints to anybody who quotes their favourite line from this chapter. Don't you mean points, with an 'o' in it?

**Karm: No, I meant pints with an 'i'. It's lemonade, if you're wondering. This story is rated K+. Review!**


	15. Interlude in Isengard

**Saruman: I am Saruman the Wise, Saruman of Many Colours, Saruman Ring-maker! I will not be brought down low enough to announce that Karm Starkiller, who stands between me and world domination, does not own LotR, Wolf, Orion, "Numa Numa", or an iPod!**

**Karm, snickering: You just did.**

**Saruman: That is it! *storms out of A/N***

**Karm: Whatever. Sorry it's been so long. I have to attend an algebra lecture four days a week as well as doing the homework, taking care of my new puppy, and working. If I can figure out how to multiply myself so I can multitask, I'll be the happiest person around and update regularly. In the meantime, here is a taste of what it's like for poor Saruman to give Wolf a mission.**

**DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MIDDLE-EARTH TO YOU?**

**By Karm Starkiller and Turquoise**

**Chapter Fifteen: Interlude in Isengard**

Saruman drummed his fingers on his desk. These authoresses were supposedly all-powerful; why hadn't Wolf found Karm Starkiller?

A loud _whooshing_ sound interrupted his wizardy thoughts. Looking out the window, he saw a purple dragon landing on the road in front of Orthanc. A smallish figure jumped off its back and bounced up the stairway into Saruman's study.

"I couldn't find Karm. Are you sure there's another authoress in Middle-earth?"

"I am certain," Saruman said stiffly. Wolf got on his nerves just by being in the same tower. "Now go back out there and find her! I doubt you even searched at all."

"I did search, but there were so many other things to find out! How come there's no Gap store at the Gap of Rohan? That's false advertising!"

"So you reached the Gap of Rohan, at least. What about Fangorn Forest?"

Wolf yawned. "Orion flew over it for a while, sending out authoress radar signals, but we didn't pick up anything. Do you like music?" She pulled out her red iPod and started singing along. "_I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves…_"

Saruman winced. "Did you see anyone near Fangorn?"

"Yeah, an old guy on a white horse, a blond guy and a short guy on a grey horse, a scruffy-looking guy on a brown horse, and someone else on a dark grey horse. What about it? _I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves…_"

Saruman stood up calmly, positioned himself directly in front of the smooth, hard, black wall, and proceeded to pound his head against it for a long time. After a large bruise formed, he returned to his seat. "That 'someone else' was Starkiller!"

"How was I supposed to know? I've never seen her before, and the radar's batteries died."

"Get back out there immediately, Wolf, and bring her here!"

Wolf was now dancing around the room to "Numa Numa" and didn't hear.

"Wolf!"

"Huh?"

"Can you hear me with those things in your ears?"

"You want to hear?"

"NO!" shrieked Saruman, but it was too late. Wolf unplugged the earbuds and turned up the volume.

"_Miya-hee, miya-hoo, miya-ho, miya-haha! Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei, Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei!_ That's Romanian!" _Hey Orion, get ready to catch me as I pretend to be Gandalf and jump off the top of Orthanc!_

iPod still cranking, Wolf climbed to the pinnacle of Orthanc. Orion gracefully took off and started circling the tower, flapping his wings in time with the music. When he got near the top, Wolf hopped down onto his back.

_Oof!_ Orion thought, annoyed.

_Hey, the eagle could handle it,_ Wolf thought back.

Did you get new batteries for the authoress radar?

_No, silly dragon. Saruman doesn't have a single AAA, much less 42 C-cells. I dumped the gizmo _

_Silly wizard. Why do you work for him, anyway?_ Orion mentally snorted.

_He has cookies!_ Wolf replied, indignant. _Tell me if you see those people again._

Back inside the tower, Saruman crawled out from under his desk. "She's gone for now. I'm alive! I'm alive!"

Karm: Yeah, short chapter again. Hang in there. Things should pick up once Karm gets to Edoras and Turquoise gets to Ithilien. Yes, those are the actual Romanian lyrics, assuming the website was right. I'll try to get a good Turquoise chapter going for you all. Thanks to all who voted in my parody pairings poll. I have a plot-related poll up now. Go vote in that too, please! After you review! Oh, about review shout-outs. I'll let Jack Sparrow explain their absence.

Jack, Will, and everyone else: Captain!

Karm: Captain Sparrow, sorry.

Captain Jack: Karm was painstakingly copying and pasting names from the reviews to thank the reviewers for reviewing, but she kept forgetting to copy and paste afore-mentioned reviewers' names and found it less painstaking to reply with the very un-painstaking 'reply' button accompanying the reviews left by reviewers. Savvy?

Karm: *facepalm* The translation is along the lines of I got lazy and forgetful, so I'll be replying to reviews by private message instead of shoutouts. New reviewers will probably get a shoutout just for being new.


	16. The Black Gate is Shut

**Karm: *walks out on stage* Ladies, gentlemen, and otherwise, representatives of various species, we are pleased to announce that this is, indeed, what it appears to be. This is, indeed, a continuation of the pointless, random, and in our opinion amusing story "Does This Look Like Middle-earth to You?", which has been on hiatus since I started taking classes at community college last fall. I am not taking any classes this spring, so I have had time to write. Some. When I wasn't lazy. Or writing Lord of the Rings and Doctor Who roleplays on internet forums/message boards. Or having two family members make hospital stays within a week of each other a couple weeks before Christmas. Or watching the past five years' worth of Doctor Who in about three and a half months and complaining loudly about Steven Moffat and Matt Smith when Turquoise and I weren't trying to find a good place to hide from Daleks, Cybermen, weeping angels, and the Vashta Nerada. It's harder than it sounds, since under the bed is ruled out. Shadows and all that.**

**The (tenth) Doctor: Karm, they're going to have no idea what you're talking about.**

**Karm: Oh well. *snags the sonic screwdriver and uses it in a clever way that brings Captain Jack Sparrow into the notes***

**Captain Jack Sparrow: Oh good, you remembered the "Captain". Now, I don't know anything about Daleks and Vashta Nerada or sonic screwdrivers, but I do know that Karm doesn't own **_**The Lord of the Rings**_**, Turquoise, other fanfiction authoresses, a miniature catapult, or the **_**Black Pearl.**_** And neither does Barbossa. So there!**

**Barbossa: I would own the **_**Pearl, **_**if it weren't for your friends meddling in my business all the time!**

**Karm: That's it, outside! Both of you! *shoves bickering pirates out the door and sonics the lock***

**DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MIDDLE-EARTH TO YOU?**

**By Karm Starkiller and Turquoise**

**Chapter Sixteen: The Black Gate is Closed**

Frodo, Sam, and Turquoise sat under a clump of scraggly bushes. Gollum wandered in circles with the cell phone.

"Hey, Gollum, got a signal yet?" Turquoise called.

"Not yet. We can't do all things in a minute, and it has bad coverage out in middle of nowheres. We wants to switch service providers, we does."

"Why do you do that, Turquoise?" Frodo asked.

"Do what?"

"Make him call everyone for you all the time."

"He volunteered," explained Turquoise. "It was my turn on watch the other night, and we had a very nice conversation. He agreed to be Keeper of the Phone if I'd give him fresh fish every day."

Gollum scrambled back to Turquoise. "We tries, tries, and finally gets through. Sister says that if we gets to Black Gates and still we is off schedule, use movieverse in Ithi-something or get very very sick and stop until it feels better."

Turquoise made an ugly face in the general direction of Rohan.

"Sister of strange Elf also says don't kill Faramir, or she'll get very very mad. Says he is important to plot and is nice."

Turquoise made a face that would have turned Karm to stone if Karm had seen it. "Important plot-wise, maybe, but not nice! He's mean to Sam and makes Gollum come back after Sméagol kicked him out!"

Frodo leaned over to Sam. "Do we know anyone named Faramir, and do you have any idea what she means about Gollum and Sméagol?"

"I don't recall a Faramir, sir, and I'm thinking she's talking about Slinker and Stinker."

The Hobbits were saved from further discussion by the sound of large, leathery wings flapping high overhead. A wave of fear washed over them and they huddled under the scraggly shrubs. Frodo's eyes slowly shut and he clutched his shoulder. "I can feel his blade!" he gasped while slowly groping for the Ring.

Turquoise risked a look at the sky, then picked up a thick stick and hit Frodo on the head with it.

"Ow!" Frodo rubbed his head and glared at Turquoise, but stopped trying to put on the Ring.

"What was that for!" Sam whisper-shouted.

"That isn't the Witchking coming, sillies," Turquoise hissed. "Look!"

A violet dragon flapped its wings as it came in for a landing. Turquoise realized the dragon wasn't a normal Middle-earth dragon because there were two people riding on its back – something that never happened in Tolkien's writings. _One of them must be Saruman's authoress, the one Karm told me about the other day,_ she realized. _But then who's the other?_

"Thanks, Wolf!" A cheery voice could just be heard. "I'll let you know if I find anyone like you said to keep an eye out for."

"Remember – Hobbits and fanfiction authoresses," another voice said, then the dragon took off again and flew away.

_I've got a bad feeling about this… I did not just mentally quote Star Wars. Bad me. I hate Star Wars. OK, I don't actually hate it, but LotR is so much better! Shut up, Turquoise._ Turquoise came out from under the bush and stared at the person who'd just been dropped off.

Said person stopped singing improvising lyrics to the fanfiction version of "There's No Business Like Show Business" and stared back. "Are you a fanfiction authoress? Or a Hobbit?" she asked.

Turquoise said nothing.

"Come on, you can talk to me," coxed the person who'd been dropped off. "My name used to be LadyDorothy, now it's DoroAnn, but you can call me Doro. What's your name?"

Turquoise said nothing.

Doro crossed her arms and put a look on her face that was dangerously close to a pout. "Why won't you tell me your name? It's rude not to answer people's questions, you know."

Turquoise thought about answering, but decided against it, just to be irritating.

"Fine, then, be rude," Doro sulked. "You can't be a fanfiction authoress – you aren't random and hyper."

That did it. "You've got nothing on me when it comes to random! Death by monkeys!" shouted Turquoise.

"The killer sporks are coming!" countered Doro.

"The Daleks have joined forces with the muffins to wipe out all non-blobby lifeforms!"

"Attack of the bananagrams!"

"Pickle jello catapault!"

"What?" gaped Doro.

Turquoise pulled a miniature catapult and a small Tupperware container full of greenish gel out of her pocket, armed the catapult with a blob of the gel, and fired. The blob sailed past Doro's ear, barely missing her.

"Pickle jello catapult," Turquoise repeated.

"Don't tell me you eat that stuff. Please say you don't eat it."

"I don't eat it, it's ammo for the catapult. Don't let's be silly."

"You still haven't told me your name."

"Um… Aragorn."

"You're not Aragorn. In fact," Doro frowned, "you don't look like any LotR character. You're a fanfiction authoress! I'm taking you to Wolf."

"No, you can't take me. I won't go," Turquoise stomped her foot.

"Yes, I can."

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can!"

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can! Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you," Doro sang.

"Oookay," said Turquoise. "Why don't you come with us to Mordor? We could use some entertainment, and you seem to be pretty good at randomly bursting into song."

Doro stopped singing. "Who's 'we'? And you know, if you're going to Mordor, the Black Gate's right over there." She pointed to a massive black gate nearby. "Odd, it wasn't there a minute ago."

Turquoise shrugged. "It's the will of the plot. When a chapter's going nowhere, there's a sudden scene change to get things moving again. You get used to it. Oh, and 'we' consists of Frodo, Sam, Gollum, and me. Just so you know, if you don't come with us, I'll tie you up and leave you for the aliens to kidnap and perform genetic experiments with."

"You wouldn't!" Doro gasped.

"She would," Frodo assured Doro. "I didn't come halfway across Middle-earth with her without learning what she's capable of."

"You're such adorable Hobbits!" Doro squealed, hugging Frodo and Sam. Turquoise watched, impassive, as they tried to get free. After a few minutes of Hobbit-hugs, she cleared her throat and pointed to the Black Gate. "Gate. Mordor. Quest. Now."

"Oh, right! The Quest!" Doro dropped Sam and Frodo. "Are you sure you won't let me tell Wolf I found you?" she pleaded.

Turquoise reached for a roll of duct tape. "I think I saw an alien spaceship…"

"I'm coming, I'm coming!"

"You too, Gollum, or no fishes," Turquoise called over her shoulder.

Gollum followed the Hobbits and humans, grumbling to himself. "We wants to sneak into the Black Lands, but Master and strange Elf keeps bringing friendses, they does. Friendses doesn't sneak, they sings."

-scene changes to a pile of rocks across from the Morannon because I don't feel like writing a transition—

"Look, the Black Gate!" whispered Sam, peering over the rock he was hiding behind.

"I can see that," Frodo whispered back.

"Look, soldiers! The gate's opening for 'em!" Sam whisper-shouted.

"I can see that," Turquoise whisper-shouted back.

"On the count of three, we run to the gate and sneak through before it shuts," suggested Doro. "One, two—"

"No!" hissed Gollum and Turquoise, dragging the Hobbits and Doro back.

The last Easterling soldiers passed through the gate, which swung shut with finality.

"So much for that idea," Doro grumbled. "We'll never get in now!"

Turquoise eyed her suspiciously. "I thought you knew what's supposed to happen. Stairs, tunnel, scary monsters?"

"Well… I was hoping to avoid all that," Doro admitted. "I mean, it's one of the scariest parts of the movies."

"But it has to happen!" Turquoise insisted. "You don't want to make Tolkien wrong, do you?"

"They're talking about things we don't understand again," Frodo said to the air.

Doro sighed. "Fine, we'll go through Ithilien."

"What are we going to do now?" Sam asked. "If we can't get through the Gate, how do we get in?"

"There is another way," Gollum admitted. "A secret way. We found it, precious, we did. We finds the stairs, and the tunnel through the mountains. We shows Master the secret way!" He clutched at Frodo's sleeve.

"All right," Frodo agreed reluctantly. "You guided us through the marshes, I'll trust you to guide us to this secret pass."

"We're off to see the Rangers, the Rangers of Ithil-ien!" improvised Doro. "Wait, what about that whole scene where Sam falls down and he and Frodo hide beneath the Elvish cloak?"

"We could improvise it," Turquoise suggested. "I'll push Sam downhill, then Frodo, and then you and I can pretend to be soldiers looking for them."

Doro thought about it for a minute, then shook her head. "Nah, never mind. This chapter's lame enough as it is without putting a scene in the wrong place."

**Karm: *reads back over what she's written* Wow… that was… pathetic.**

**Sam: I'd have to agree with you on that.**

**Karm: I'd agree with me on that too.**

**Turquoise: *launches pickle jello at Karm***

**Karm: Um… *dodges launched pickle jello* Anyway, if I get enough reviews, the next chapter might not be as horrible. I hope. Maybe. Review anyway! Please? *pokes the (seventh) Doctor until he does the great big pleading puppy eyes***

**The (seventh) Doctor: I suggest that you leave a rrrrrrreview so that Karrrm will stop poking me with my own umbrrrrrrrrrrella!**


End file.
